Archives for August 2023

Today’s the day.

I can’t believe we made it. But by the grace of God, my son is one year old. I sat with this post for a long time because at first I couldn’t really think of the words I wanted to say. But I’m sitting here thinking about this time last year and all I can really say is thank you. Thank you to each and every person who helped and supported us this past year (and even before then).

I have struggled all week with what to put in this post because I’m not even sure what I wanted it to be about. I considered going down the list of each and every person who has played a significant role in our lives this past year, but that would be a lot. The month-by-month posts take care of how life was life-ing during those times. So what do we tackle today?

Well…I officially have a walker. We can start there. In regards to that I have to say, it is virtually impossible to catch your baby’s first steps on camera because it will happen at the most random time and you will likely not be able to find your phone in the moment. I could not get to my phone fast enough, but I don’t even care because at least I was there to witness it with my own two eyes. Watching Austin grow and learn this past year has been absolutely amazing. I’ve learned so much – about him and about myself in the past year. I have loved every minute of being a mom and will always be grateful to God for allowing me the opportunity.

I have to remind myself on a regular basis that I am literally living an answered prayer, multiple answered prayers actually. I prayed that I would get to be a mom ✅. I prayed specifically that my first born would be a boy ✅. I prayed that I would have a safe delivery (because everyone’s heard of the nurse curse) ✅. I prayed that I wouldn’t push for 2-3 hours like your “average first time mom” ✅ (24 minutes baby!). I prayed that I would have the type of job where I could be home with my kid ✅ – I don’t always like or enjoy my job but it is still an answered prayer nonetheless. The list goes on and on for things I asked for and God delivered.

I feel like I say this all the time, but it’s always worth mentioning because it’s an important part of my story. I was so detached from my pregnancy. I was not all in. I was not as excited as I thought I should be. I had a lot of shame and guilt. I felt extra “sinful”. I felt like because I had done this bad thing that there was no possible way that God would let me have this kid, so I better not get attached. Past experiences told me that everything (or everyone) that I loved too much, I would lose. I didn’t wanna lose this kid, so to protect myself I chose not to be too hopeful about this pregnancy. I’m not the type to have regrets, so while I don’t regret my choices I do wish I would’ve done things differently and truly celebrated this good thing.

Today my good thing is one. He is so much more than I could have ever prayed for. He is super sweet. He is lovable. He’s snuggly. He is such a goofball. He has dimples for days and they will absolutely melt your heart. He’s still super gummy since he only has 2 full teeth. He knows what he does and does not want, and he will let you know both things. He can be a bit bashful at times. He seems to be interested the most in things that roll. As I stated earlier he is walking but still finds crawling to be the fastest mode of transportation. He loves dogs (and other animals). Splashing at bath time is always a good time. Peek-a-boo (the show) is a hit; it’s the kind of hit that comes with giggling, stomping, and the occasional squeal. He’s made me a better and stronger person.

I think I’ve settled in the fact that this post will never do justice to the way I truly feel about my boy. I cannot put into words how much I truly love him. It’s just impossible. So I’ll just leave it here.

💙🐻💙 Happy Birthday Austin 💙🐻💙

Xoxo,

Mama

Month Eleven. Bro! I really can’t believe we’re here. In 1 month I will have a 1 year old. The amount of disbelief I feel on a daily basis is unreal. And it’s not disbelief in bad way, but more like ‘wow, I really have a whole child’. He just started taking steps on his own. I have the feeling he’ll be walking by the the time we have his first birthday party. He’s more talkative than ever and keeps the same words in rotation: dada, GiGi, TiTi, dog, and he’s added in “A” for AJ and his own little version of his younger cousin’s name Destiny. Still no mama and some semblance of pop pop but we’re not quite there yet.

I got some professional pictures taken for his birthday. Since I didn’t do any pregnancy or newborn photos, these were super important to me and the shoot did not disappoint. The birthday party is a few weeks away and the only thing left to solidify is the food. Party planning for a 1 year old is way harder than it looks. I must admit this party is nothing like I ever imagined my kid’s first birthday party to be like, but I’m attempting to make the most of what I have and what I can afford honestly. People keep saying that the first birthday party is really for the parents so it doesn’t have to be a big deal anyway, but that doesn’t make it less special or less important. Plus I just think I had different expectations for and of myself. But like I told my sister, nothing about life with the Boss has been what I expected since the moment I peed on the stick so why start now 😂.

In an effort to maintain the transparency I set out to have on this blog, I have to share that the biggest thing I struggled with in month eleven has been whether or not to invite Austin’s dad to his birthday party. It sounds weird to me to say that out loud, “invite his dad”. My experience with my father and the other fathers in my life have never included an invitation because they were already there. They were always there. But I struggled, seriously. I even reached out to a good friend of mine who I knew I could share my thoughts & feelings with and trust that they would tell me the truth. It all came down to a very specific question he asked me: Do you believe that it is in the best interest of your son to have a relationship with his father? He knew what my answer would be, and I knew what his response would be based on my answer. After sharing all of the reasons why I felt like I shouldn’t have to invite him, I extended the invitation. I did so because it’s not about me or how I may feel in the moment; it’s about my son. I was hesitant though. If the first birthday party is really for “the parents” then that means this birthday party is for me. I = “the parents”. Me. JUST Me. And honestly, there’s a part of me that doesn’t wanna share that spotlight. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s how I truly feel. This past year was HARD! And I wanna celebrate my son and myself on his birthday. But I can put my feelings aside and swallow my pride for a day in an effort to make room for my son’s father to be a father and show up for his son. I don’t know if he’ll come, but at least the offer has been extended. We’ll see how it goes.

By the time this is published, it’ll be less than 24 hours until The Boss turns one. Cue the tears. What a wild ride…

💙🐻💙🐻💙

Month Ten. I think this is the month where it’s starting to feel real. I have a baby that is almost a year old. I officially started party planning this month. Invitations have gone out. His pictures have been scheduled. There’s a few other things that need to be done to bring it all together, but they’re small.

In this month, the Boss has decided that he sometimes would prefer to feed himself or give himself his pacifier. He has taken a liking to the kitchen and all of the cabinets. We can keep him occupied for the longest time by letting him open and close the cabinet doors. He is a lot better at “telling” us what he does and does not want. Dada is still his favorite word, but we’ve added GiGi, Titi, and dog to the mix. Oh yeah – and he loves dogs. He absolutely loves them. He has also taken a liking to farm animals, the sheep and cows seems to be his favorite because of their respective sounds. His favorite thing to do at nighttime is read his bedtime book: Goodnight Little Blue Truck. Sometimes we read it more than once. His nighttime sleep has improved significantly. He wakes up once a night which is the best thing I could absolutely ask for.

As for me – month ten has really been about next steps for us as a little family. I’ve got some decisions to make as far as where we go from here. We have options. My custody case is still trekking along, not really picking up any steam. We’re at the end of it though, and I’m very happy about that. I’m excited for this next few weeks as we count down to the big O N E. It’s bittersweet for sure.

Month Nine. This month brought its own share of joy and challenges. In month nine my kiddo got his first two teeth; they finally poked through after MONTHS of teething for the poor guy. He essentially was like “no more mom” to the baby food purées. He basically eats what we eat which is the whole point of baby led weaning right? He crawls all over the place. He’s learned to open cabinets and drawers. He pulls himself up onto everything and has even started standing up on his own and learning to balance without holding onto anything. It’s so exciting to see him learning new things. He’s also gotten sooooooooooo much better at falling asleep on his own. It’s been a game changer for me. It’s just an extremely beautiful thing to be able to have that free time in the evenings and more sleep at night. We’re still working on decreasing the nighttime feeds but I’m not as pressed over the once a night wake ups as I probably should be. “They” say he doesn’t need any feeds at night by 9 months, but I think he does every now and then.

During this month, the biggest thing has been planning a first birthday party. I didn’t know that a 1 year old’s birthday could/would have me so worked up. I have to be honest and admit that it’s not going to be what I always dreamed of doing for my kid’s first birthday. But so far, none of this has been what I dreamed of. It’s been a whirlwind of a ride that I wouldn’t change for the world. But! The Boss still needs a party. And while it’s not what I originally planned, I still want it to be a great time for all involved.

Things in the world of custody have kinda been pushed to the back burner. We’re in the waiting phase of it all. There’s not really much for me to do at this point except wait. So while we wait, we’ll have some fun.

Month eight. I’m not sure why but I feel like this month snuck up on me. I think that I’m starting to realize that my baby is and will only be a baby for a short time longer. He’s growing so quickly. My 22 lb baby boy wears 12-month clothes and can no longer sleep comfortably in footie pajamas (I think). It is amazing to watch him grown, but I do find myself being plagued with the motherly thoughts of time just please stand still for a little while longer. This age has been so fun so far. He’s learning so much. He’s officially become a crawler in month eight. He can pull himself up with so much more ease. He mimics sounds and has a belly laugh to die for, especially when it’s coupled with those dimples.

In month eight he had his first overnight stay with a family member. I went to the Glory conference in Philadelphia and my parents had a birthday party to attend, so the Boss spent the night with my cousin, her husband, and their kids. I think the overnight stay was harder on me and my mom than it was on the Boss. If there’s one thing that I learned in month eight, it’s that you have to maintain some type of a life outside of your children because if you don’t it can make times like this extra hard. I became fully aware of just how much of myself I give to my son in the 27 or 28 hours that I spent without him. Fortunately the conference kept me busy, but I can only imagine what that time would’ve been like had I just been idle.

We restarted sleep training in month eight as well. The first night was a doozy, but we did it. It got better for sure. I told myself that I would give the full two weeks of trying and it was amazing to see how well he did. My goal for every night is that he falls asleep with minimal crying/fussing in 30 minutes or less and he’s done great. Full disclosure though: I sleep trained at night but didn’t follow through during the day so we’re almost a week out from our full 14 day trial and while his overnights are SO much better, naptime is a doozy. So we’re still working on the daytime sleep but this mama sleeps better at night and the Boss is sleeping through the night and that’s all I ever really wanted.

Month eight of my son’s life was also the month I turned 31. I had the most uneventful birthday that I have ever had in my entire life (LOL), but it was still a good day. It was very peaceful. I had dinner from one of my favorite places and I just got to chill. I took off from work so I had no responsibilities there. It was just really nice to be still for once. Overall I think month eight delivered way above what I could’ve asked for.

Month Seven. Already month seven has been a big one. We still don’t have a crawling baby just yet, but it’s definitely coming soon. He honestly might even get up and walk at this point. Aus has started pulling himself onto things, his activity table being the most fascinating thing to hold on to at this moment. He prefers to stand when being held which has honestly been the case since he was like 4 months old but now that he has more leg strength he is adamant about remaining on his feet. We’ve expanded his puréed food collection to include teething crackers which he still hasn’t figured out yet all the way but it’s funny watching him try. He’s had French fries, Cheetos, oatmeal, greens, kale, salmon cakes, and one of his favorites – green beans. I’d like to attempt to give him more of the actual foods but it still makes me very nervous. I went through the whole gagging versus choking lesson with my sister and my nephew AJ and when I tell you I was nervous all the time – I. Was. Nervous. So, I’m a little hesitant to start with Aus. I think we’ll stick to our purées a little longer until I see a tooth or two pop out.

Sleep continues to evade us. As I write this, I feel like his ability to sleep independently has declined significantly in the last week or so. I’m not sure if it’s because of all the new things he’s doing developmentally or what but y’all I am tired. A lot of tears have been shed recently over the lack of sleep. At his six month appointment the Pediatric NP (who we adore!!) suggested I let him cry it out and I cringe at the thought. It’s actually a little funny because I remember my sister going through it and feeling so sad about letting AJ cry it out and me saying “it’s okay…he’ll be fine” and I literally have the same thoughts and reservations that she did. Logically I know he’ll be okay but realistically I just don’t wanna hear the crying. I will admit though that I am almost at the point of desperation. I actually purchased The Peaceful Sleeper’s 4-24 month guide on sleep. I’m currently reading over that in hopes of doing some formal sleep training in the near future. My goal is to get Aus back to sleeping independently in his crib by month 8, so we only have a couple weeks.

As for me in month seven: I sold my house, officially. I no longer have a mortgage and it’s the most freeing feeling ever. I do not miss that house at all. I had the absolute best realtor. Her name is Tammy Studebaker and I could not have done this without her. She made what seemed like a daunting task happen in less than 90 days and I’m still impressed honestly. I’ll be working with her again to purchase my next home whenever that will be. Right now, I’m considering renting for a while and that’s really to be able to get my dog back. We miss Stormi girl around here these days. Plus I hate that Aus hasn’t had any time with her since his newborn days. Things are essentially at a standstill with our custody case. We can’t move forward until we get the green light to do so and that hasn’t happened yet so we wait 🙃.

In the meantime, life is good and my baby is almost 8 months old 😭.

Month Six. Cue the tears 🥹. Half a year gone – just like that. Month six has been hard. I’m not gonna lie. We came into month six with some roll over drama from month five. It’s mainly been more issues with Austin’s dad. In month six I (officially) got a lawyer. I already sought legal counsel prior to this but I was hopeful that we could work things out between us and not have to involve the courts. Thanks to some friends and family, I got the courage to pursue the court route anyway. Another thing that hurt my pride. I feel like by choosing to go to court in pursuit of custody and child support that I’m admitting that I can’t do this by myself and that is most certainly not the case. After all, I have been doing it by myself with (basically) no financial support from Austin’s dad and (basically) no help physically. I bit the bullet and sought out the support because I feel it would give Austin a good head start in the financial department. Of course, the money will help pay for his things now but then whatever is left will be his to keep until he decides to spend it or save it as he gets older.

Aside from that month six has been a big one for The Boss. He is eating more solids. So far his favorite foods are pumpkin, green beans, and pears. He seems to dislike carrots but I’m not 100% sure of that yet. He’s trying to crawl, but it really just looks more like a scoot right now. He has officially said his first word which we all knew would be dada. His little personality is showing more and more and guys – he’s a goofball just like his mama.

Sleep is still a struggle for us. In fact, it’s been the biggest cause of anxiety for me as of late. If I hadn’t already mentioned, I have a co-sleeper. Aus became a co-sleeper when we moved in with my parents. His mini crib was starting to get too small and he just couldn’t tolerate it overnight the way he could for naps especially since he was no longer being swaddled for sleep. So, I moved him to my bed for nighttime and then eventually all the time while we waited for (1) me to be able to afford the dang crib mattress and (2) for it to actually be delivered. Once it arrived we put his standard crib together and began trying to get him back in it. Y’all!!! It has not been going well. I’m going to keep trying but I’m honestly very frustrated with and by it to the point where I may consider letting him be a co-sleeper because it’s just easier for us. It’s the only way we get sleep really. He’s become a belly sleeper in month six and I must admit it’s the cutest thing to watch him get comfy. But who knew a six month old could take up a whole king size bed bro?!?! Who knew.

I’m looking forward to month seven. I think some big things will happen during that time. 💙🐻💙

Month Five. This was a big month for us as well. In month five I watched my little guy sit up on his own, start puréed foods, transition out of his swaddle completely for sleep, and we attempted to start sleep training. This month came with a lot of adjustments for the both of us with the biggest being that we no longer had access to full time childcare. I had to learn how to actually work at home and nurture Austin’s little brain the way it needed to be nurtured. It was hard y’all. It’s so much easier to plop a kid in front of the tv while you attempt to get things done, but that’s not what I wanted for Austin.

I’ve had to learn how to use my time wisely while working in order to maximize the amount of the time I get to spend playing with Aus and it’s been super hard. I still don’t have it fully worked out yet. There are days where my efforts in one definitely surpass my efforts in the other. Some days work gets my absolute best, but usually it’s Aus that gets my best. Jobs will come and go, but my baby is only a baby once so I’ve been trying to enjoy it as best I can.

He still gets some screen time and I’ve learned to appreciate Miss Rachel for how much she makes him smile and laugh. We’ve introduced some new shows like Bluey, Superbook, and Gracie’s Corner occasionally. We also take full advantage of the developmentally appropriate toys through Lovevery. Those lovevery boxes are the absolute best. I first saw them when my sister ordered them for my nephew and I was in love instantly. I don’t receive any compensation for saying how amazing I think they are, but I 10/10 would suggest spending the money. It’s about $80ish bucks every 2 months for a play kit if you do the subscription and if you really invest the time with your kiddo, you can save money by not having to buy other unnecessary toys. Aus started his lovevery journey with the sensor playkit and we haven’t looked back.

I also started planning Austin’s first birthday and it will (affectionately) be Boss Baby themed because that is who and what he is: The Boss.

Month Four. This month brought some big changes to our lives. In month four, I made the difficult decision to move us out of the city and back to Southern Maryland with my parents. I have posts that speak on the intentionality of God throughout the whole process of the move. It was beyond anything I could’ve prayed for. I put my house on the market in hopes of avoiding a foreclosure and in order to get it sold more quickly, I opted to move us out. By Christmas day, Austin and I were official residents of SoMD again.

We’ve been living with my parents since month four and it’s been amazing. I’ve had so much more help with Aus. He has a bond with my parents that is just too cute for words. He has had a constant male role model in the home because of my dad, and since we’re closer to family he has access to all of my uncles and male cousins as well. Like I said, I opted to move because I knew my house would sell faster if I wasn’t in it but coming back “home” was about way more than just selling my house. As much as it hurt my pride to admit, I needed the help and I wasn’t going to get it in the city. Our support system is here, so here we are.

Austin got to celebrate his first Christmas with my parents in the same house I got to celebrate Christmas in a few times. He attended his first Christmas brunch that we held on Christmas Eve with my mom’s side of the family and his first Christmas Dinner with my dad’s side of the family. At one time in my life, those were moments that I could only dream about: spending the holidays with my own little family. This past year it became a reality. It’s not the nuclear family I envisioned but it’s still mine nonetheless. We had a blast and Austin was very spoiled with love by some of his older cousins.

It wouldn’t be a milestone month if I didn’t discuss the biggest challenge of month four: 4 month sleep regression. I think Austin was a pretty good sleeper in the beginning. He was giving me 4-5 hours stretches relatively early but because he had lost so much weight I had to wake him often to feed. Eventually we were able to settle into a little routine, but month four changed everything. I had sooooooooooo much anxiety about Austin’s sleep. I felt like a complete failure that he was no longer sleeping for those long stretches. And we just so happened to be one of the lucky ones whose 4 month sleep regression lasted a whole six weeks 🙃. I could’ve cried. I did cry. A lot. I was so defeated. It was during that time that we moved, Austin was starting to outgrow his mini crib, and we started co-sleeping. Before having my own child I was firmly against co-sleeping and if I’m honest I’m still not 100% a fan. It definitely poses a risk to safety for the new babies. I did it because we needed to sleep, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t worried about it constantly. But we did what we had to do. I was and am still fortunate that we were able to co-sleep safely and that my kiddo did well.

Month Three. This was the month I decided to start a sleep routine (after it was suggested to me by my sister 😂). Little did I know, it would be the best advice. I found out in month three that I had a pretty good sleeper. I was getting 4-5 hour stretches each night which for me was perfection. It’s kinda how I slept when I was pregnant anyway. Month three brought first smiles, a steady flow of breast milk, and an actual routine for daytime sleep which helped with nighttime sleep. I started a new full time job with amazing benefits, and it was a remote position so I got to be home with Aus.

Month three also brought about the daycare debate. Probably one of the most intense disagreements I have ever had with Austin’s dad. The debate: mom wants Austin in a daycare center where he can learn new developmental skills & get uninterrupted care; dad thinks Austin is too young for daycare because he’s only three months old (cue eye roll from every working mom on the planet). I feel like I fought really hard for this one. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate confrontation and will try to avoid it. I’m a peace keeper. I tend to be able to see all sides and take all things into consideration when it comes to conflict resolution. But this was a hill I was willing to die on. Having been a kid in daycare myself for years (to attend school in a different district), I was not willing to budge on the benefits of daycare. Plus, I felt better knowing that my child was safe in a center that was only accessible by staff and parents. If I ever needed to go meet a client for work, I didn’t have to find last minute childcare. The place was 20 minutes from my house. It was a win-win for me & Austin. It was expensive and although I could afford to pay for it on my own, I still asked Austin’s dad for help. That didn’t go over so well. I really have nothing nice to say about this entire exchange because the whole conversation was so unbelievable and it still gets my blood boiling every time I think about the messages I received 🙃, so we’ll skip to the good part…

In month three Austin started daycare, which I’m sure was harder for me than it was for him. He adjusted very quickly. He loved his teachers and I was so grateful for the help. It also brought me peace of mind knowing that he wasn’t watching Miss Rachel all day, even though we love her. The convenience of the location made it all so much easier. I could literally go play with him on my lunch break if I wanted to. If I forgot something at home or if he messed up his clothes (which happened a lot thanks to reflux), I could bring extras that same day. It was the absolute best decision I ever made. By this point, we were settling into a routine and it was great. By month 3, I was finally feeling like I could do the mom thing.