Life & Love

October 1, 2025 by Ashley

October: A Brand New Month, A Brand New Set of Possibilities

There’s something about flipping the calendar to October that feels different this year. Usually, I love this month for all the typical reasons—the cozy sweaters, the changing leaves, the warm drinks on cool mornings. But this October carries more weight for me personally. This isn’t just the start of a new month—it’s the start of my last month of clinical before finishing nurse practitioner school.

If I’m being honest, it feels surreal. For so long, “one day” was the phrase I attached to this dream. One day I’ll be done with school. One day I’ll be a provider. One day I’ll get to step into the career I’ve worked so hard for. And now, somehow, that “one day” is turning into this day.

Reflecting on the Journey

Looking back on this past year, I see just how much I’ve been stretched and grown. Clinicals have challenged me in ways I didn’t always expect. There were moments I questioned myself, moments I didn’t feel confident, and moments I wondered if I was truly ready for this. But woven into those doubts were the small victories—the patients I connected with, the knowledge that finally clicked, the reassurance from preceptors who believe in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.

This October, reflection feels even more important. It’s not just about looking at what I accomplished last month, but looking at the whole journey that brought me here. Every late-night study session, every missed weekend with friends, every tearful prayer asking God to help me keep going—it’s all led me to this final stretch.

A Month of Possibility

What excites me most about October is that it represents both an ending and a beginning. Yes, it’s my last month of clinical, but it’s also the beginning of something new. I can feel the shift in my spirit—it’s like the crisp fall air is whispering, you’re ready.

For me, possibility this month looks like finishing strong, soaking up every last bit of learning I can, and preparing my heart and mind for the next season. But possibility also looks like giving myself grace. Grace to rest, grace to celebrate, and grace to step into this next chapter without needing to have it all figured out.

Permission to Begin Again

One thing I’ve learned along this journey is that it’s never too late to reset. Whether it’s starting fresh with studying, recommitting to self-care, or leaning deeper into my faith, October reminds me that I don’t have to wait until January 1st to realign myself. Every new month—and really, every new day—is an invitation to begin again.

So if September didn’t go the way you wanted it to, October is here to remind you that you still have time. You still have room to grow. You still have permission to dream.

Making October Count

This month, I’m choosing to be intentional. For me, that looks like:

Showing up to clinical every day with curiosity and openness.
Spending quiet mornings with God, even if it’s just a few minutes before the day starts.
Leaning into gratitude instead of focusing on what I feel I lack.
Celebrating this milestone instead of brushing past it.

Your list may look different, but whatever you choose, make it yours. Let October be the month you move with purpose—whether that means chasing a goal, slowing down to rest, or simply embracing where you are right now.

Stepping Into the New

As October unfolds, I’m holding on to this truth: endings make space for beginnings. Just as the trees let go of their leaves, I’m letting go of doubt and fear. And just as the season shifts, I’m shifting into who I’ve been preparing to become all along.

Here’s to October. To the goals we’ll meet, the lessons we’ll carry, and the grace we’ll give ourselves along the way. A brand new month has arrived, and with it, a brand new set of possibilities.

A Faith Reflection for October

This month, I’m holding onto the promise of Isaiah 43:19 NLT—
“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

As I step into this new month, I’m trusting that God is making a way for me—even when I can’t see every detail yet. My prayer is that October will be a month of newness, not just for me, but for anyone reading this. That you feel God’s hand guiding you, His peace covering you, and His grace reminding you that every ending is simply the beginning of something new.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

September 29, 2025 by Ashley

Walking Through Debt with Faith, Grace, and Small Changes

Debt is something I’m still in the thick of. I’m not writing this as someone who’s already debt-free or who has all the answers neatly figured out. I’m writing this as a single mom who is still juggling bills, still working on building better money habits, and still trusting God to guide me through this journey.

For me, debt hasn’t just been about numbers on a page—it’s been about late-night anxiety, wondering how I’m going to cover basic needs for my little family and not bleed my parents dry in the process. It’s been about saying “no” to things I wish I could give my son, or pushing aside dreams because the money wasn’t there. But lately, I’ve been making small shifts—little things that don’t solve everything overnight but help me move one step closer to freedom. And maybe my story can encourage you if you’re on the same path.

Learning Where My Money Goes

The first big wake-up call for me was actually sitting down and looking at where my money was going. I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, but when I tracked everything for a week, I realized how many “small” things were draining me—fast food stops, Amazon checkouts, random Target runs. None of them felt huge in the moment, but together, they were stealing money I needed for bigger priorities. Writing it all out wasn’t fun, but it was necessary.

Scaling Back, Not Cutting Out

As a single mom, I need little joys to keep me going, and I will often sacrifice doing things for myself to ensure that I have the money to take care of my responsibilities. I used to think budgeting meant cutting everything out, and that only left me frustrated and more likely to give up. Instead, I’m working on scaling back. Instead of five takeout meals a week, I might grab just two or three. Instead of buying full price, I hunt for sales. Those small decisions add up, and I don’t feel like I’m punishing myself in the process.

Putting Things on Autopilot

Between work, school for myself and my son, and just trying to keep our home running, bills sometimes slip my mind. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve racked up late fees simply because I forgot the due date. Automating minimum payments has been a game-changer for me. It doesn’t erase the debt, but it helps me plan for the payment, protect my credit, and avoid extra charges.

Finding New Streams of Income

Cutting back was one thing, but I realized I couldn’t save my way out of debt. I needed more income. That’s why I started Shine Boss Co., my candle business. It began as a creative outlet but is growing into something that gives me hope. Every time I make a new candle, I feel like I’m building not just a business, but a brighter future for me and my son. It’s not replacing my income yet, but it’s one of the ways I’m trying to take back control.

Leaning Into Community and Learning

One thing I’ve realized is I don’t have to figure this all out alone. There are so many amazing voices teaching about money in ways that feel real and relatable. Some of my favorites are:

Rich and Regular – a husband-and-wife team breaking down money topics with honesty and humor.
Financial Feminist – Tori Dunlap’s podcast and resources have given me the motivation to think bigger about my finances.
She Wolfe of Wall Street – her content makes investing and money management feel accessible, not intimidating.
Building Bread with Kevin L. Matthews II – his resources have opened my eyes to how wealth-building is possible, even starting from scratch.
The Budgetnista – Tiffany Aliche is one of the most practical and encouraging voices when it comes to managing money.
The Broke Black Girl – Dasha Kennedy provides raw, real advice about money, especially for women of color.
Tai and Talaat McNeely – their platform shows how couples and families can tackle finances together with faith at the center.
The Frugal Feminista – Kara Stevens helps women of color heal their relationship with money while building wealth.

Tuning into voices like these helps me stay encouraged and reminds me that debt isn’t the end of my story.

Trusting God With My Finances

Most importantly, I’ve been learning to surrender my financial stress to God. That doesn’t mean I stop working or ignore my responsibility—it means I remind myself daily that I’m not walking this road alone and that ultimately God is my main source of provision. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” On the days when I feel overwhelmed by bills and balances, I go back to that verse. My path may not be straight yet, but I believe God is leading me step by step.

Celebrating Small Wins

I still have a long way to go, but I’ve started celebrating small victories: paying off one bill, saying no to an unnecessary purchase, making a candle sale, or even just choosing faith over fear. Those small wins matter because they keep me moving.

If you’re in debt like me—whether you’re a single mom, a college student, or just someone trying to make ends meet—I want you to know you’re not alone. We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to fix everything in one day. We just have to take one step at a time, trust God in the process, and believe that freedom is possible.

Love you guys! Xoxo,

Ash, RN

September 17, 2025 by Ashley

Embracing Change: A New Chapter with Shine Boss Co.

Change can be intimidating, but it is also where growth and possibility live. Over the past few years, my life has been a journey of transformation—personally, professionally, and spiritually. As a Christian, a mom, a nurse, and now a business owner, I’ve learned that change isn’t something to fear. It’s something to embrace.

That’s exactly what led me to create Shine Boss Co. What started as a DIY project to save money for my mom’s retirement party has grown into a passion project: crafting hand-poured candles that bring warmth, comfort, and light into everyday spaces. Each candle tells a story—about resilience, love, and the reminder that even in life’s hardest moments, we all carry a spark that deserves to shine.

For me, Shine Boss Co. isn’t just about candles—it’s about creating a brand with heart. Inspired by my son, Austin, and the lessons he teaches me every day, Shine Boss Co. is a reminder that even small lights can brighten the world.

So as I step into this new chapter, I invite you to join me on this journey. Let’s embrace change together, celebrate resilience, and keep shining—one candle at a time.

March 8, 2024 by Ashley

My story is still unfolding.

“I want to get joint physical custody, we can get that in writing if it’s really about Austin.”

That’s the last text I received from my son’s father regarding our custody case. At the time, I just wanted him to stop texting me nonsense, so I said I would talk to my lawyer. I got that text this past Sunday, and since then, every time I think about it, a certain scripture comes to mind:

“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted there by the devil. For forty days and forty nights he fasted and became very hungry. During that time the devil came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ ” Then the devil took him to the holy city, Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say, ‘He will order his angels to protect you. And they will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’” Jesus responded, “The Scriptures also say, ‘You must not test the Lord your God.’” Next the devil took him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. “I will give it all to you,” he said, “if you will kneel down and worship me.” “Get out of here, Satan,” Jesus told him. “For the Scriptures say, ‘You must worship the Lord your God and serve only him.’ ” Then the devil went away, and angels came and took care of Jesus.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭4‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.4.1-11.NLT

I filed my custody case one year ago. I was told it was a simple case given that I am the primary parent, he lives with me, and I care for him in every aspect. I pay for everything. Everything he has (including an infant car seat and a pack-and-play currently at his dad’s house that he refuses to return) was purchased by me or by my family & friends. His visits with his dad have been sporadic due to different circumstances. Still, even when they were happening somewhat regularly, I provided everything – his clothes, his diapers, his wipes, and even his food for the entire weekend. I would even drive an hour and 15 minutes to take him to and from his dad’s house on Friday evenings to drop him off and drive back on Sunday evenings to pick him up. It became very tiring to be the only parent doing the parenting and still having to teach the other parent how to be a parent essentially. It was exhausting, but I did it because I believed that some semblance of a relationship with his father was what my son needed.

I was wrong. The only Father-son relationship my child truly needs, and the only Father-son relationship I’m responsible for cultivating and nurturing, is his relationship with his Heavenly Father.

I realize that statement may be a little too deep for some, especially those unfamiliar with God or who lack a real relationship with Him. If you only knew what kind of internal battles I’ve been dealing with spiritually, you would not only understand the weight of that statement and how big of a responsibility that is, but you would also understand how much peace it brings me to know that my child’s Father is the ultimate Father and better than any earthly one.

2024 is meant to be the year of exposure. That seems to be a common theme in the Christian community right now. There is this thought that this will be the year that God exposes many people and that if you’re not sensitive enough to the Holy Spirit, you will miss the wolf in sheep’s clothing. I have a…We can call her my spiritual accountability friend/partner/sister in Christ. She preached a sermon recently and stated that the blanket of grace has been removed. The blanket of grace has been removed – meaning that God isn’t taking his grace away from us completely (because that’s not in his nature), but he isn’t coddling us anymore underneath it, either. God is on his “get right or get left” tip, and I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not tryna get left, so that leaves one option…

When I decided (again) to surrender my life completely to Christ and whatever He wants me to do, I did it, having asked in prayer that whatever was in me that needed to be removed or healed be revealed to me. I think when we hear people talk about 2024 being the year of exposure, we tend to stay stuck on the false preachers and false teachers. So far, the most important person that has been exposed to me in 2024 is me. I have had to face a lot of hard truths about myself and where I am in my life right now. I think it was when I had to tell my lawyer the story of how my son’s dad and I met that it truly hit me. In hindsight, it’s your typical story of low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and seeking outside validation through meaningless sex and toxic relationships. I just never thought that I would get pregnant as a result because, up until this point, that hadn’t happened. These first few months of this year have led me to confront the shame, guilt, and embarrassment that I still carried from being an “unwed” mother. I can still hear my uncle’s voice telling me that it’s okay that I’m pregnant and not married because everybody’s done it. In my family, that’s very true – but I’m not them, and truthfully, this is not how I ever imagined my story would unfold.

My biggest thing with no longer walking in the guilt and shame was always, “What does that look like practically?”. Everyone would tell me that I didn’t have to carry that burden with me, but no one could tell me practically what to do so that I didn’t carry it. So this year has found me examining my thoughts and thought patterns, as well as digging into scripture to see what God says about me that is true to replace the lies that I had been telling myself. Another big thing that has been exposed to me is the lack of true forgiveness and the spirit of offense. Having to come back home to live with my parents has brought up a lot of past hurts. The county that I grew up in is very tight-knit. Everyone knows everyone. We describe it as the kind of place where you grow up and graduate, you leave and go to college, and then you come back here to raise your kids. By all accounts, I had an amazing childhood, but in having to come back here, the memories that stick out to me the most are the ones that hurt. This is where my great-grandfather died. This is where my dad had his accident and could have died. This is where I experienced the financial trauma that comes with bankruptcy and losing what felt like everything when we had to leave my childhood home. This is where I was when I found out that my god-brother died. I came back here knowing that I would run into some of the same of the same people from high school that I couldn’t wait to get away from once I was an adult.

Yet, here I am again. So, what is the point of this post? Where am I going with all of this?

I started this post with the text I received from my son’s dad, which has led me to do some deep reflection since it landed in my inbox. Before receiving that message, I had been a little discouraged about this whole custody thing because I was starting to feel like I would never get my day in court. I struggled with that because I wanted the opportunity to tell my story. I don’t even think that custody cases work like that in real life, but that’s how I felt. I wanted to tell my side of the story. I wanted a judge to hear it, and I wanted my son’s dad to hear it too, in an environment where he would be forced to listen, but it didn’t look like that would happen. So, my original intent for this post was to do that – tell my story. I had every intention of detailing and recounting all of the events that have taken place over the last 18.5 months and releasing it on the one-year anniversary of my case.

It was his use of if it’s really about Austin that sparked my recollection of the scripture and how Satan kept baiting Jesus and saying, if you’re really the Son of God, then do XYZ. That’s what that text felt like…bait. I didn’t take the bait, but I could have responded better. I can tell that the Lord is working on my heart because six months ago, I would’ve cussed him out. Three months ago, or maybe even three weeks ago, he would’ve gotten cussed out, to be honest. But after having that conversation with my lawyer, I made a conscious decision to let go of the anger. I’m not an innocent bystander in what has happened over the past year and a half, and that’s something I’ll continue to work through in therapy. I lacked boundaries, and honestly, I still had those feelings of needing that external validation. I’m at a point in my life where going one day without prayer is too long. I choose every day to surrender the anger, surrender the insecurities, and surrender the grief that I still feel over not being able to give my son the life and father I believed he deserves. I’m doing the hard work of identifying the areas and people in my life where that unforgiveness still lies. I’m reading a great book about the spirit of offense and how it manifests itself in our everyday lives. Most importantly, I’ve had to accept the fact that I may not ever get to tell my story – at least not in the way I was originally planning to do it. My story can’t be about all of the things that Austin’s dad has done wrong or all of the ways I feel that I was wronged by him. Continuing to relive and rehearse those moments don’t serve me in any way. It keeps me stuck in a perpetual cycle of doubt, insecurity, unforgiveness, anger, and offense. So maybe that’s why I haven’t been given the opportunity to tell it – because that’s not the part of the story that’s meant to be the focus.

And that’s okay. My story is still unfolding. Until next time…

XOXO,

Ash, RN

November 14, 2023 by Ashley

Life Update

I have not posted anything in a really long time. I unintentionally took a break from posting after my son turned one. Life has been a whirlwind since his birthday party, and I’m still trying to recover mentally, physically, emotionally, and even financially. The Boss’s birthday party was a success. It went a lot better than I thought it was going to go. I did learn something, though – it really wasn’t necessary. If I could go back and have a do-over, I would do something small at my parent’s house. We had a great time, and I think that everyone who was there also enjoyed themselves. But it was stressful; it was unnecessarily stressful. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. I had a conversation with a coworker who stated that she read something or saw something about how those big, extravagant parties for little kids are not even what those kids will remember when they’re older. My son won’t remember that his first birthday was at a park, that his dad showed up 15 minutes before the party was supposed to end because he got lost, that the best thing at the party was the mango Italian ice that we bought from Restaurant Depot, or that we had so much leftover food that we ate those leftovers for like a week. He won’t even remember that he fell asleep at his own party. So, why put myself through that stress again?

I started NP school! I just finished my first semester and am preparing myself mentally for the second semester. I like it so far; it’s been pretty basic. Next semester is when it picks up with some pertinent information and lessons, so I’m looking forward to it. It is a very difficult thing to do while having a small child, working a full-time job, and working a PRN job. Somehow, I made it, and I’m so grateful to God because it was hard.

Home life has been good. It’s been such a pleasure seeing my parents spend all of this quality time with Austin. As much as I struggled with the decision to move home, and I continue to struggle with the way that it looks, I’m glad that I did it. It’s the decision that made the most sense logically and financially. My parents and Austin have a bond that is incredibly strong, and I have so much peace because of that. Like any single mom, I really lean on my parents for support and for help with Austin, especially since starting school. They have been nothing short of amazing. There is nothing that I could do that will ever be enough to repay them for the changes and sacrifices that they’ve made to accommodate us and our needs as he grows.

I don’t think I’ll be sharing any more updates on my custody case with the Boss’s dad. One reason is that there isn’t really much of an update to share, and another reason is that I’ve come to the realization that sharing the details on this platform where M cannot come and defend himself isn’t really fair. This is my website, and it is a narrative of my thoughts and feelings on the process. I just want to be careful not to let my sharing my truth turn into “baby daddy bashing”, especially since there’s a strong possibility that my son may read this one day. I promised myself when I was pregnant that I would never say anything bad or mean or hateful or spiteful about M to the Boss. I never wanted to be that kind of mom. I will always tell the Boss the truth about our situation, but I would not ever say anything negative about M’s character to him. I wouldn’t ever want to taint his view of his dad. That’s unfair. As my sister always says, “just tell me the facts, no emotions”.

Hopefully, I can begin to carve out some time to get back to writing often, but I make no promises. Life is moving so fast right now, and my kid is growing up so fast that I just don’t want to miss it. I want to be present. I already feel like I am so busy. So, I want to make sure that I’m making the most of my time with my kid while I can because he’ll only be this small today.

Love you all. Xoxo,

Ash, RN

August 16, 2023 by Ashley

ONE

Today’s the day.

I can’t believe we made it. But by the grace of God, my son is one year old. I sat with this post for a long time because at first I couldn’t really think of the words I wanted to say. But I’m sitting here thinking about this time last year and all I can really say is thank you. Thank you to each and every person who helped and supported us this past year (and even before then).

I have struggled all week with what to put in this post because I’m not even sure what I wanted it to be about. I considered going down the list of each and every person who has played a significant role in our lives this past year, but that would be a lot. The month-by-month posts take care of how life was life-ing during those times. So what do we tackle today?

Well…I officially have a walker. We can start there. In regards to that I have to say, it is virtually impossible to catch your baby’s first steps on camera because it will happen at the most random time and you will likely not be able to find your phone in the moment. I could not get to my phone fast enough, but I don’t even care because at least I was there to witness it with my own two eyes. Watching Austin grow and learn this past year has been absolutely amazing. I’ve learned so much – about him and about myself in the past year. I have loved every minute of being a mom and will always be grateful to God for allowing me the opportunity.

I have to remind myself on a regular basis that I am literally living an answered prayer, multiple answered prayers actually. I prayed that I would get to be a mom ✅. I prayed specifically that my first born would be a boy ✅. I prayed that I would have a safe delivery (because everyone’s heard of the nurse curse) ✅. I prayed that I wouldn’t push for 2-3 hours like your “average first time mom” ✅ (24 minutes baby!). I prayed that I would have the type of job where I could be home with my kid ✅ – I don’t always like or enjoy my job but it is still an answered prayer nonetheless. The list goes on and on for things I asked for and God delivered.

I feel like I say this all the time, but it’s always worth mentioning because it’s an important part of my story. I was so detached from my pregnancy. I was not all in. I was not as excited as I thought I should be. I had a lot of shame and guilt. I felt extra “sinful”. I felt like because I had done this bad thing that there was no possible way that God would let me have this kid, so I better not get attached. Past experiences told me that everything (or everyone) that I loved too much, I would lose. I didn’t wanna lose this kid, so to protect myself I chose not to be too hopeful about this pregnancy. I’m not the type to have regrets, so while I don’t regret my choices I do wish I would’ve done things differently and truly celebrated this good thing.

Today my good thing is one. He is so much more than I could have ever prayed for. He is super sweet. He is lovable. He’s snuggly. He is such a goofball. He has dimples for days and they will absolutely melt your heart. He’s still super gummy since he only has 2 full teeth. He knows what he does and does not want, and he will let you know both things. He can be a bit bashful at times. He seems to be interested the most in things that roll. As I stated earlier he is walking but still finds crawling to be the fastest mode of transportation. He loves dogs (and other animals). Splashing at bath time is always a good time. Peek-a-boo (the show) is a hit; it’s the kind of hit that comes with giggling, stomping, and the occasional squeal. He’s made me a better and stronger person.

I think I’ve settled in the fact that this post will never do justice to the way I truly feel about my boy. I cannot put into words how much I truly love him. It’s just impossible. So I’ll just leave it here.

💙🐻💙 Happy Birthday Austin 💙🐻💙

Xoxo,

Mama

August 15, 2023 by Ashley

11

Month Eleven. Bro! I really can’t believe we’re here. In 1 month I will have a 1 year old. The amount of disbelief I feel on a daily basis is unreal. And it’s not disbelief in bad way, but more like ‘wow, I really have a whole child’. He just started taking steps on his own. I have the feeling he’ll be walking by the the time we have his first birthday party. He’s more talkative than ever and keeps the same words in rotation: dada, GiGi, TiTi, dog, and he’s added in “A” for AJ and his own little version of his younger cousin’s name Destiny. Still no mama and some semblance of pop pop but we’re not quite there yet.

I got some professional pictures taken for his birthday. Since I didn’t do any pregnancy or newborn photos, these were super important to me and the shoot did not disappoint. The birthday party is a few weeks away and the only thing left to solidify is the food. Party planning for a 1 year old is way harder than it looks. I must admit this party is nothing like I ever imagined my kid’s first birthday party to be like, but I’m attempting to make the most of what I have and what I can afford honestly. People keep saying that the first birthday party is really for the parents so it doesn’t have to be a big deal anyway, but that doesn’t make it less special or less important. Plus I just think I had different expectations for and of myself. But like I told my sister, nothing about life with the Boss has been what I expected since the moment I peed on the stick so why start now 😂.

In an effort to maintain the transparency I set out to have on this blog, I have to share that the biggest thing I struggled with in month eleven has been whether or not to invite Austin’s dad to his birthday party. It sounds weird to me to say that out loud, “invite his dad”. My experience with my father and the other fathers in my life have never included an invitation because they were already there. They were always there. But I struggled, seriously. I even reached out to a good friend of mine who I knew I could share my thoughts & feelings with and trust that they would tell me the truth. It all came down to a very specific question he asked me: Do you believe that it is in the best interest of your son to have a relationship with his father? He knew what my answer would be, and I knew what his response would be based on my answer. After sharing all of the reasons why I felt like I shouldn’t have to invite him, I extended the invitation. I did so because it’s not about me or how I may feel in the moment; it’s about my son. I was hesitant though. If the first birthday party is really for “the parents” then that means this birthday party is for me. I = “the parents”. Me. JUST Me. And honestly, there’s a part of me that doesn’t wanna share that spotlight. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s how I truly feel. This past year was HARD! And I wanna celebrate my son and myself on his birthday. But I can put my feelings aside and swallow my pride for a day in an effort to make room for my son’s father to be a father and show up for his son. I don’t know if he’ll come, but at least the offer has been extended. We’ll see how it goes.

By the time this is published, it’ll be less than 24 hours until The Boss turns one. Cue the tears. What a wild ride…

💙🐻💙🐻💙

August 14, 2023 by Ashley

10

Month Ten. I think this is the month where it’s starting to feel real. I have a baby that is almost a year old. I officially started party planning this month. Invitations have gone out. His pictures have been scheduled. There’s a few other things that need to be done to bring it all together, but they’re small.

In this month, the Boss has decided that he sometimes would prefer to feed himself or give himself his pacifier. He has taken a liking to the kitchen and all of the cabinets. We can keep him occupied for the longest time by letting him open and close the cabinet doors. He is a lot better at “telling” us what he does and does not want. Dada is still his favorite word, but we’ve added GiGi, Titi, and dog to the mix. Oh yeah – and he loves dogs. He absolutely loves them. He has also taken a liking to farm animals, the sheep and cows seems to be his favorite because of their respective sounds. His favorite thing to do at nighttime is read his bedtime book: Goodnight Little Blue Truck. Sometimes we read it more than once. His nighttime sleep has improved significantly. He wakes up once a night which is the best thing I could absolutely ask for.

As for me – month ten has really been about next steps for us as a little family. I’ve got some decisions to make as far as where we go from here. We have options. My custody case is still trekking along, not really picking up any steam. We’re at the end of it though, and I’m very happy about that. I’m excited for this next few weeks as we count down to the big O N E. It’s bittersweet for sure.

August 13, 2023 by Ashley

9

Month Nine. This month brought its own share of joy and challenges. In month nine my kiddo got his first two teeth; they finally poked through after MONTHS of teething for the poor guy. He essentially was like “no more mom” to the baby food purées. He basically eats what we eat which is the whole point of baby led weaning right? He crawls all over the place. He’s learned to open cabinets and drawers. He pulls himself up onto everything and has even started standing up on his own and learning to balance without holding onto anything. It’s so exciting to see him learning new things. He’s also gotten sooooooooooo much better at falling asleep on his own. It’s been a game changer for me. It’s just an extremely beautiful thing to be able to have that free time in the evenings and more sleep at night. We’re still working on decreasing the nighttime feeds but I’m not as pressed over the once a night wake ups as I probably should be. “They” say he doesn’t need any feeds at night by 9 months, but I think he does every now and then.

During this month, the biggest thing has been planning a first birthday party. I didn’t know that a 1 year old’s birthday could/would have me so worked up. I have to be honest and admit that it’s not going to be what I always dreamed of doing for my kid’s first birthday. But so far, none of this has been what I dreamed of. It’s been a whirlwind of a ride that I wouldn’t change for the world. But! The Boss still needs a party. And while it’s not what I originally planned, I still want it to be a great time for all involved.

Things in the world of custody have kinda been pushed to the back burner. We’re in the waiting phase of it all. There’s not really much for me to do at this point except wait. So while we wait, we’ll have some fun.

August 12, 2023 by Ashley

8

Month eight. I’m not sure why but I feel like this month snuck up on me. I think that I’m starting to realize that my baby is and will only be a baby for a short time longer. He’s growing so quickly. My 22 lb baby boy wears 12-month clothes and can no longer sleep comfortably in footie pajamas (I think). It is amazing to watch him grown, but I do find myself being plagued with the motherly thoughts of time just please stand still for a little while longer. This age has been so fun so far. He’s learning so much. He’s officially become a crawler in month eight. He can pull himself up with so much more ease. He mimics sounds and has a belly laugh to die for, especially when it’s coupled with those dimples.

In month eight he had his first overnight stay with a family member. I went to the Glory conference in Philadelphia and my parents had a birthday party to attend, so the Boss spent the night with my cousin, her husband, and their kids. I think the overnight stay was harder on me and my mom than it was on the Boss. If there’s one thing that I learned in month eight, it’s that you have to maintain some type of a life outside of your children because if you don’t it can make times like this extra hard. I became fully aware of just how much of myself I give to my son in the 27 or 28 hours that I spent without him. Fortunately the conference kept me busy, but I can only imagine what that time would’ve been like had I just been idle.

We restarted sleep training in month eight as well. The first night was a doozy, but we did it. It got better for sure. I told myself that I would give the full two weeks of trying and it was amazing to see how well he did. My goal for every night is that he falls asleep with minimal crying/fussing in 30 minutes or less and he’s done great. Full disclosure though: I sleep trained at night but didn’t follow through during the day so we’re almost a week out from our full 14 day trial and while his overnights are SO much better, naptime is a doozy. So we’re still working on the daytime sleep but this mama sleeps better at night and the Boss is sleeping through the night and that’s all I ever really wanted.

Month eight of my son’s life was also the month I turned 31. I had the most uneventful birthday that I have ever had in my entire life (LOL), but it was still a good day. It was very peaceful. I had dinner from one of my favorite places and I just got to chill. I took off from work so I had no responsibilities there. It was just really nice to be still for once. Overall I think month eight delivered way above what I could’ve asked for.