Month Eleven. Bro! I really can’t believe we’re here. In 1 month I will have a 1 year old. The amount of disbelief I feel on a daily basis is unreal. And it’s not disbelief in bad way, but more like ‘wow, I really have a whole child’. He just started taking steps on his own. I have the feeling he’ll be walking by the the time we have his first birthday party. He’s more talkative than ever and keeps the same words in rotation: dada, GiGi, TiTi, dog, and he’s added in “A” for AJ and his own little version of his younger cousin’s name Destiny. Still no mama and some semblance of pop pop but we’re not quite there yet.
I got some professional pictures taken for his birthday. Since I didn’t do any pregnancy or newborn photos, these were super important to me and the shoot did not disappoint. The birthday party is a few weeks away and the only thing left to solidify is the food. Party planning for a 1 year old is way harder than it looks. I must admit this party is nothing like I ever imagined my kid’s first birthday party to be like, but I’m attempting to make the most of what I have and what I can afford honestly. People keep saying that the first birthday party is really for the parents so it doesn’t have to be a big deal anyway, but that doesn’t make it less special or less important. Plus I just think I had different expectations for and of myself. But like I told my sister, nothing about life with the Boss has been what I expected since the moment I peed on the stick so why start now 😂.
In an effort to maintain the transparency I set out to have on this blog, I have to share that the biggest thing I struggled with in month eleven has been whether or not to invite Austin’s dad to his birthday party. It sounds weird to me to say that out loud, “invite his dad”. My experience with my father and the other fathers in my life have never included an invitation because they were already there. They were always there. But I struggled, seriously. I even reached out to a good friend of mine who I knew I could share my thoughts & feelings with and trust that they would tell me the truth. It all came down to a very specific question he asked me: Do you believe that it is in the best interest of your son to have a relationship with his father? He knew what my answer would be, and I knew what his response would be based on my answer. After sharing all of the reasons why I felt like I shouldn’t have to invite him, I extended the invitation. I did so because it’s not about me or how I may feel in the moment; it’s about my son. I was hesitant though. If the first birthday party is really for “the parents” then that means this birthday party is for me. I = “the parents”. Me. JUST Me. And honestly, there’s a part of me that doesn’t wanna share that spotlight. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s how I truly feel. This past year was HARD! And I wanna celebrate my son and myself on his birthday. But I can put my feelings aside and swallow my pride for a day in an effort to make room for my son’s father to be a father and show up for his son. I don’t know if he’ll come, but at least the offer has been extended. We’ll see how it goes.
By the time this is published, it’ll be less than 24 hours until The Boss turns one. Cue the tears. What a wild ride…
💙🐻💙🐻💙