I have not posted anything in a really long time. I unintentionally took a break from posting after my son turned one. Life has been a whirlwind since his birthday party, and I’m still trying to recover mentally, physically, emotionally, and even financially. The Boss’s birthday party was a success. It went a lot better than I thought it was going to go. I did learn something, though – it really wasn’t necessary. If I could go back and have a do-over, I would do something small at my parent’s house. We had a great time, and I think that everyone who was there also enjoyed themselves. But it was stressful; it was unnecessarily stressful. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. I had a conversation with a coworker who stated that she read something or saw something about how those big, extravagant parties for little kids are not even what those kids will remember when they’re older. My son won’t remember that his first birthday was at a park, that his dad showed up 15 minutes before the party was supposed to end because he got lost, that the best thing at the party was the mango Italian ice that we bought from Restaurant Depot, or that we had so much leftover food that we ate those leftovers for like a week. He won’t even remember that he fell asleep at his own party. So, why put myself through that stress again?
I started NP school! I just finished my first semester and am preparing myself mentally for the second semester. I like it so far; it’s been pretty basic. Next semester is when it picks up with some pertinent information and lessons, so I’m looking forward to it. It is a very difficult thing to do while having a small child, working a full-time job, and working a PRN job. Somehow, I made it, and I’m so grateful to God because it was hard.
Home life has been good. It’s been such a pleasure seeing my parents spend all of this quality time with Austin. As much as I struggled with the decision to move home, and I continue to struggle with the way that it looks, I’m glad that I did it. It’s the decision that made the most sense logically and financially. My parents and Austin have a bond that is incredibly strong, and I have so much peace because of that. Like any single mom, I really lean on my parents for support and for help with Austin, especially since starting school. They have been nothing short of amazing. There is nothing that I could do that will ever be enough to repay them for the changes and sacrifices that they’ve made to accommodate us and our needs as he grows.
I don’t think I’ll be sharing any more updates on my custody case with the Boss’s dad. One reason is that there isn’t really much of an update to share, and another reason is that I’ve come to the realization that sharing the details on this platform where M cannot come and defend himself isn’t really fair. This is my website, and it is a narrative of my thoughts and feelings on the process. I just want to be careful not to let my sharing my truth turn into “baby daddy bashing”, especially since there’s a strong possibility that my son may read this one day. I promised myself when I was pregnant that I would never say anything bad or mean or hateful or spiteful about M to the Boss. I never wanted to be that kind of mom. I will always tell the Boss the truth about our situation, but I would not ever say anything negative about M’s character to him. I wouldn’t ever want to taint his view of his dad. That’s unfair. As my sister always says, “just tell me the facts, no emotions”.
Hopefully, I can begin to carve out some time to get back to writing often, but I make no promises. Life is moving so fast right now, and my kid is growing up so fast that I just don’t want to miss it. I want to be present. I already feel like I am so busy. So, I want to make sure that I’m making the most of my time with my kid while I can because he’ll only be this small today.
Love you all. Xoxo,
Ash, RN