Month Nine. This month brought its own share of joy and challenges. In month nine my kiddo got his first two teeth; they finally poked through after MONTHS of teething for the poor guy. He essentially was like “no more mom” to the baby food purées. He basically eats what we eat which is the whole point of baby led weaning right? He crawls all over the place. He’s learned to open cabinets and drawers. He pulls himself up onto everything and has even started standing up on his own and learning to balance without holding onto anything. It’s so exciting to see him learning new things. He’s also gotten sooooooooooo much better at falling asleep on his own. It’s been a game changer for me. It’s just an extremely beautiful thing to be able to have that free time in the evenings and more sleep at night. We’re still working on decreasing the nighttime feeds but I’m not as pressed over the once a night wake ups as I probably should be. “They” say he doesn’t need any feeds at night by 9 months, but I think he does every now and then.

During this month, the biggest thing has been planning a first birthday party. I didn’t know that a 1 year old’s birthday could/would have me so worked up. I have to be honest and admit that it’s not going to be what I always dreamed of doing for my kid’s first birthday. But so far, none of this has been what I dreamed of. It’s been a whirlwind of a ride that I wouldn’t change for the world. But! The Boss still needs a party. And while it’s not what I originally planned, I still want it to be a great time for all involved.

Things in the world of custody have kinda been pushed to the back burner. We’re in the waiting phase of it all. There’s not really much for me to do at this point except wait. So while we wait, we’ll have some fun.

Month eight. I’m not sure why but I feel like this month snuck up on me. I think that I’m starting to realize that my baby is and will only be a baby for a short time longer. He’s growing so quickly. My 22 lb baby boy wears 12-month clothes and can no longer sleep comfortably in footie pajamas (I think). It is amazing to watch him grown, but I do find myself being plagued with the motherly thoughts of time just please stand still for a little while longer. This age has been so fun so far. He’s learning so much. He’s officially become a crawler in month eight. He can pull himself up with so much more ease. He mimics sounds and has a belly laugh to die for, especially when it’s coupled with those dimples.

In month eight he had his first overnight stay with a family member. I went to the Glory conference in Philadelphia and my parents had a birthday party to attend, so the Boss spent the night with my cousin, her husband, and their kids. I think the overnight stay was harder on me and my mom than it was on the Boss. If there’s one thing that I learned in month eight, it’s that you have to maintain some type of a life outside of your children because if you don’t it can make times like this extra hard. I became fully aware of just how much of myself I give to my son in the 27 or 28 hours that I spent without him. Fortunately the conference kept me busy, but I can only imagine what that time would’ve been like had I just been idle.

We restarted sleep training in month eight as well. The first night was a doozy, but we did it. It got better for sure. I told myself that I would give the full two weeks of trying and it was amazing to see how well he did. My goal for every night is that he falls asleep with minimal crying/fussing in 30 minutes or less and he’s done great. Full disclosure though: I sleep trained at night but didn’t follow through during the day so we’re almost a week out from our full 14 day trial and while his overnights are SO much better, naptime is a doozy. So we’re still working on the daytime sleep but this mama sleeps better at night and the Boss is sleeping through the night and that’s all I ever really wanted.

Month eight of my son’s life was also the month I turned 31. I had the most uneventful birthday that I have ever had in my entire life (LOL), but it was still a good day. It was very peaceful. I had dinner from one of my favorite places and I just got to chill. I took off from work so I had no responsibilities there. It was just really nice to be still for once. Overall I think month eight delivered way above what I could’ve asked for.

Month Seven. Already month seven has been a big one. We still don’t have a crawling baby just yet, but it’s definitely coming soon. He honestly might even get up and walk at this point. Aus has started pulling himself onto things, his activity table being the most fascinating thing to hold on to at this moment. He prefers to stand when being held which has honestly been the case since he was like 4 months old but now that he has more leg strength he is adamant about remaining on his feet. We’ve expanded his puréed food collection to include teething crackers which he still hasn’t figured out yet all the way but it’s funny watching him try. He’s had French fries, Cheetos, oatmeal, greens, kale, salmon cakes, and one of his favorites – green beans. I’d like to attempt to give him more of the actual foods but it still makes me very nervous. I went through the whole gagging versus choking lesson with my sister and my nephew AJ and when I tell you I was nervous all the time – I. Was. Nervous. So, I’m a little hesitant to start with Aus. I think we’ll stick to our purées a little longer until I see a tooth or two pop out.

Sleep continues to evade us. As I write this, I feel like his ability to sleep independently has declined significantly in the last week or so. I’m not sure if it’s because of all the new things he’s doing developmentally or what but y’all I am tired. A lot of tears have been shed recently over the lack of sleep. At his six month appointment the Pediatric NP (who we adore!!) suggested I let him cry it out and I cringe at the thought. It’s actually a little funny because I remember my sister going through it and feeling so sad about letting AJ cry it out and me saying “it’s okay…he’ll be fine” and I literally have the same thoughts and reservations that she did. Logically I know he’ll be okay but realistically I just don’t wanna hear the crying. I will admit though that I am almost at the point of desperation. I actually purchased The Peaceful Sleeper’s 4-24 month guide on sleep. I’m currently reading over that in hopes of doing some formal sleep training in the near future. My goal is to get Aus back to sleeping independently in his crib by month 8, so we only have a couple weeks.

As for me in month seven: I sold my house, officially. I no longer have a mortgage and it’s the most freeing feeling ever. I do not miss that house at all. I had the absolute best realtor. Her name is Tammy Studebaker and I could not have done this without her. She made what seemed like a daunting task happen in less than 90 days and I’m still impressed honestly. I’ll be working with her again to purchase my next home whenever that will be. Right now, I’m considering renting for a while and that’s really to be able to get my dog back. We miss Stormi girl around here these days. Plus I hate that Aus hasn’t had any time with her since his newborn days. Things are essentially at a standstill with our custody case. We can’t move forward until we get the green light to do so and that hasn’t happened yet so we wait 🙃.

In the meantime, life is good and my baby is almost 8 months old 😭.

Month Six. Cue the tears 🥹. Half a year gone – just like that. Month six has been hard. I’m not gonna lie. We came into month six with some roll over drama from month five. It’s mainly been more issues with Austin’s dad. In month six I (officially) got a lawyer. I already sought legal counsel prior to this but I was hopeful that we could work things out between us and not have to involve the courts. Thanks to some friends and family, I got the courage to pursue the court route anyway. Another thing that hurt my pride. I feel like by choosing to go to court in pursuit of custody and child support that I’m admitting that I can’t do this by myself and that is most certainly not the case. After all, I have been doing it by myself with (basically) no financial support from Austin’s dad and (basically) no help physically. I bit the bullet and sought out the support because I feel it would give Austin a good head start in the financial department. Of course, the money will help pay for his things now but then whatever is left will be his to keep until he decides to spend it or save it as he gets older.

Aside from that month six has been a big one for The Boss. He is eating more solids. So far his favorite foods are pumpkin, green beans, and pears. He seems to dislike carrots but I’m not 100% sure of that yet. He’s trying to crawl, but it really just looks more like a scoot right now. He has officially said his first word which we all knew would be dada. His little personality is showing more and more and guys – he’s a goofball just like his mama.

Sleep is still a struggle for us. In fact, it’s been the biggest cause of anxiety for me as of late. If I hadn’t already mentioned, I have a co-sleeper. Aus became a co-sleeper when we moved in with my parents. His mini crib was starting to get too small and he just couldn’t tolerate it overnight the way he could for naps especially since he was no longer being swaddled for sleep. So, I moved him to my bed for nighttime and then eventually all the time while we waited for (1) me to be able to afford the dang crib mattress and (2) for it to actually be delivered. Once it arrived we put his standard crib together and began trying to get him back in it. Y’all!!! It has not been going well. I’m going to keep trying but I’m honestly very frustrated with and by it to the point where I may consider letting him be a co-sleeper because it’s just easier for us. It’s the only way we get sleep really. He’s become a belly sleeper in month six and I must admit it’s the cutest thing to watch him get comfy. But who knew a six month old could take up a whole king size bed bro?!?! Who knew.

I’m looking forward to month seven. I think some big things will happen during that time. 💙🐻💙

Month Five. This was a big month for us as well. In month five I watched my little guy sit up on his own, start puréed foods, transition out of his swaddle completely for sleep, and we attempted to start sleep training. This month came with a lot of adjustments for the both of us with the biggest being that we no longer had access to full time childcare. I had to learn how to actually work at home and nurture Austin’s little brain the way it needed to be nurtured. It was hard y’all. It’s so much easier to plop a kid in front of the tv while you attempt to get things done, but that’s not what I wanted for Austin.

I’ve had to learn how to use my time wisely while working in order to maximize the amount of the time I get to spend playing with Aus and it’s been super hard. I still don’t have it fully worked out yet. There are days where my efforts in one definitely surpass my efforts in the other. Some days work gets my absolute best, but usually it’s Aus that gets my best. Jobs will come and go, but my baby is only a baby once so I’ve been trying to enjoy it as best I can.

He still gets some screen time and I’ve learned to appreciate Miss Rachel for how much she makes him smile and laugh. We’ve introduced some new shows like Bluey, Superbook, and Gracie’s Corner occasionally. We also take full advantage of the developmentally appropriate toys through Lovevery. Those lovevery boxes are the absolute best. I first saw them when my sister ordered them for my nephew and I was in love instantly. I don’t receive any compensation for saying how amazing I think they are, but I 10/10 would suggest spending the money. It’s about $80ish bucks every 2 months for a play kit if you do the subscription and if you really invest the time with your kiddo, you can save money by not having to buy other unnecessary toys. Aus started his lovevery journey with the sensor playkit and we haven’t looked back.

I also started planning Austin’s first birthday and it will (affectionately) be Boss Baby themed because that is who and what he is: The Boss.

Month Four. This month brought some big changes to our lives. In month four, I made the difficult decision to move us out of the city and back to Southern Maryland with my parents. I have posts that speak on the intentionality of God throughout the whole process of the move. It was beyond anything I could’ve prayed for. I put my house on the market in hopes of avoiding a foreclosure and in order to get it sold more quickly, I opted to move us out. By Christmas day, Austin and I were official residents of SoMD again.

We’ve been living with my parents since month four and it’s been amazing. I’ve had so much more help with Aus. He has a bond with my parents that is just too cute for words. He has had a constant male role model in the home because of my dad, and since we’re closer to family he has access to all of my uncles and male cousins as well. Like I said, I opted to move because I knew my house would sell faster if I wasn’t in it but coming back “home” was about way more than just selling my house. As much as it hurt my pride to admit, I needed the help and I wasn’t going to get it in the city. Our support system is here, so here we are.

Austin got to celebrate his first Christmas with my parents in the same house I got to celebrate Christmas in a few times. He attended his first Christmas brunch that we held on Christmas Eve with my mom’s side of the family and his first Christmas Dinner with my dad’s side of the family. At one time in my life, those were moments that I could only dream about: spending the holidays with my own little family. This past year it became a reality. It’s not the nuclear family I envisioned but it’s still mine nonetheless. We had a blast and Austin was very spoiled with love by some of his older cousins.

It wouldn’t be a milestone month if I didn’t discuss the biggest challenge of month four: 4 month sleep regression. I think Austin was a pretty good sleeper in the beginning. He was giving me 4-5 hours stretches relatively early but because he had lost so much weight I had to wake him often to feed. Eventually we were able to settle into a little routine, but month four changed everything. I had sooooooooooo much anxiety about Austin’s sleep. I felt like a complete failure that he was no longer sleeping for those long stretches. And we just so happened to be one of the lucky ones whose 4 month sleep regression lasted a whole six weeks 🙃. I could’ve cried. I did cry. A lot. I was so defeated. It was during that time that we moved, Austin was starting to outgrow his mini crib, and we started co-sleeping. Before having my own child I was firmly against co-sleeping and if I’m honest I’m still not 100% a fan. It definitely poses a risk to safety for the new babies. I did it because we needed to sleep, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t worried about it constantly. But we did what we had to do. I was and am still fortunate that we were able to co-sleep safely and that my kiddo did well.

Month Three. This was the month I decided to start a sleep routine (after it was suggested to me by my sister 😂). Little did I know, it would be the best advice. I found out in month three that I had a pretty good sleeper. I was getting 4-5 hour stretches each night which for me was perfection. It’s kinda how I slept when I was pregnant anyway. Month three brought first smiles, a steady flow of breast milk, and an actual routine for daytime sleep which helped with nighttime sleep. I started a new full time job with amazing benefits, and it was a remote position so I got to be home with Aus.

Month three also brought about the daycare debate. Probably one of the most intense disagreements I have ever had with Austin’s dad. The debate: mom wants Austin in a daycare center where he can learn new developmental skills & get uninterrupted care; dad thinks Austin is too young for daycare because he’s only three months old (cue eye roll from every working mom on the planet). I feel like I fought really hard for this one. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate confrontation and will try to avoid it. I’m a peace keeper. I tend to be able to see all sides and take all things into consideration when it comes to conflict resolution. But this was a hill I was willing to die on. Having been a kid in daycare myself for years (to attend school in a different district), I was not willing to budge on the benefits of daycare. Plus, I felt better knowing that my child was safe in a center that was only accessible by staff and parents. If I ever needed to go meet a client for work, I didn’t have to find last minute childcare. The place was 20 minutes from my house. It was a win-win for me & Austin. It was expensive and although I could afford to pay for it on my own, I still asked Austin’s dad for help. That didn’t go over so well. I really have nothing nice to say about this entire exchange because the whole conversation was so unbelievable and it still gets my blood boiling every time I think about the messages I received 🙃, so we’ll skip to the good part…

In month three Austin started daycare, which I’m sure was harder for me than it was for him. He adjusted very quickly. He loved his teachers and I was so grateful for the help. It also brought me peace of mind knowing that he wasn’t watching Miss Rachel all day, even though we love her. The convenience of the location made it all so much easier. I could literally go play with him on my lunch break if I wanted to. If I forgot something at home or if he messed up his clothes (which happened a lot thanks to reflux), I could bring extras that same day. It was the absolute best decision I ever made. By this point, we were settling into a routine and it was great. By month 3, I was finally feeling like I could do the mom thing.

Month Two. In month two, I think it finally hit me that I wasn’t going to get the help I was promised from Austin’s dad. My relationship with him has changed so much over the past year. We didn’t start out in a very good groove in my opinion; he might have a different perspective but this ain’t his blog so there’s that 🙃.

No – but seriously, I struggled a lot with my expectations of him as a father. I don’t think we were ever really on the same page regarding what being a father to Aus would look like. I’m blessed enough to have grown up in a two parent household with a very active father. My dad was always there. I do not know a life without my dad, and I’ve learned over the years to never EVER take that for granted. With that being said – I REALLY REALLY struggled with Austin’s dad not being in the picture as often as he had said he would be. In a way, I felt like it was my fault. I think during month two is where all of those feelings of failure started to creep their way back into my mind. In a world where you always want your kids to have it better than you did, I felt like I had already failed mine by not giving him that two parent household at the very least. To me, that was basic and I couldn’t even give him that. It still stings sometimes. I remember a friend of mine telling me that as a single mom you overcompensate a lot of the time because you feel like you have to make up for the fact that your child doesn’t have their father, especially when they’re old enough to realize it. I get that. I’d like to say that I won’t be that mom, but I honestly don’t know. We’re not together, and to be honest I never thought we would be. I had said from the very beginning that I never wanted to be a couple just because we were having a baby together. Even that – us not being together – has been the biggest blessing.

Regardless of us not being together, Aus was and still is happy and healthy and thriving. I’m sure he loves his dad and he seems to enjoy the time that he does get to spend with him even if it isn’t as much as I would like. But here’s the thing that I’ve had to remember this past year – it’s not about me & my expectations. It’s about Austin and his needs. I made a promise to myself that I would always try to foster Austin’s relationship with his dad regardless of how I feel about him. I made a silent vow that I would never say anything bad about his dad to him or around him because I just don’t think that’s right to do. I think it undermines the authority of the other parent when you trash talk them in front of the kid(s). I won’t lie to Aus about my struggles and having to do things on my own, but I won’t denigrate his father in the process. We’re both learning how to be parents, and all we have to go on is the way we were raised by our own parents. Like I said, my experience growing up was very different and it shows.

I was still very much sleep deprived, but happy nonetheless. Austin was always a good baby from the moment I brought him home. Month two brought us our first diaper blow out, some seriously funny faces when waking up, a 1 year old cousin & the announcement that he would be a big brother, and some very comical moments with Storm. Month two also came with the realization that I hadn’t taken my Lexapro since 2 weeks postpartum and for the first time in a really long time my anxiety felt like normal first-time mom anxiety & not the insanely over the top dramatic thoughts that I had experienced during pregnancy. Month two was also the month I returned to work.

I didn’t have any mom guilt about returning to work. At least, I don’t think I did. I was so happy to go back to work after having been unemployed for so long before even giving birth. It felt good to be back on the floor on my OG unit PRN, and I had a landed a full-time WFH job as well. I missed my kid a lot while I was working, especially on the days I had to do babies but I don’t think I felt the guilt. He’s usually with my parents while I’m working, so he’s safe and well taken care of. I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t anxious. I was just happy to feel like a normal person again. I was happy to talk to someone and have them respond with real words and not cries, whines, or barking. Aus was 10 weeks when I went back to work, and I think that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

On to the next…

I started writing these posts around the time he was about 2.5 months old. My goal has always been to be honest about life and love and all the things. Reminiscing on this past year has me in all of my feelings. Aus and I have been through so much…and this is only the beginning.

Like I said, when I started writing this post he was a little over two months old and I was on the verge of losing my house. That in and of itself is a testimony. I can’t even begin to detail all the ways God kept us covered through help from our extended family in the beginning months of Austin’s life. My parents, sister & brother-in-law, grandmother, aunts & uncles, and cousins all helped us in ways that I will never forget. Some of them I’ve been able to pay back; some of them refuse to accept my money. Either way, they saved us. They helped keep a roof over our heads and some of them didn’t even know it.

Month One. This month was all about survival. I was so excited to be a new mom, but I was also really scared. I had spent the last 40 weeks (and 1 day) caring for this life growing inside of my body, and now I was responsible for his life outside of my body. I only spent one full night in the hospital and I went home. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and I was coming down with a cold, so I wanted to be home. That first month was filled with no sleep and a dehydrated baby. I cried a lot in month one. Mainly because I felt so defeated. I had no help, except for the three glorious days that my mom spent with me. Those three days were like heaven on earth. I got to take real showers – the ones where you actually get to stand there and contemplate life for a little while you symbolically wash your worries away. I got to take naps. She cleaned my entire house and cleaned up my yard. She even got Austin’s dad to come over and help her do a lot of the outside work. She cooked dinner. She helped me not lose my mind over how immensely painful breastfeeding was in the beginning. But – I couldn’t keep my mama away from my dad forever, so after those three days she went home.

I got very little sleep which was to be expected. I tried the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” thing but the reality is that that is not possible, especially as a single mom. When the baby was sleeping was when I had to get stuff done around my house. And even then, I wasn’t always able to do what I needed to do. Austin lost a little too much weight after coming home and so I was on the a mission to feed every 2-3 hours, no exceptions. I remember the night I broke down and gave him formula for the first time – I was devastated. It’s amazing how societal pressures warp our minds into believing certain things. I thought I was a failure by giving my kid this formula. I thought I was a failure for not being able to figure out why he was still crying after all my efforts. But lo and behold – I gave him the enfamil and he was out like a light…and then I bawled crying. That whole time my kid was hungry and I was so concerned with my expectations of breastfeeding and what all it entailed that I didn’t even think that maybe I just wasn’t making enough milk. He had lost too much weight and was starting to make less wet diapers, so I got a plan in place with our pediatric NP. I pumped and measured what he was taking in to see if I was making what he seemed to need and it turned out that I wasn’t. So I still put him to the breast when I was supposed to, but we also started supplementing because my kid was hungry.

Month one was just a lot. We did a lot of weight checks in that first month. It was a totally new world for me. My experience with children as a nurse was and still is completely nonexistent. I am not a pediatric nurse, nor do I ever aspire to be. Shout out to the ones who do it and shout out to our office for helping me to not lose my mind in that first month. Needless to say, we conquered month one and moved on to the next…

So about two weeks ago, I decided that I was going to make a good faith effort to sleep train the Boss. I purchased The Peaceful Sleeper’s 4-24 month sleep training program. It was going well. We made it all the way to day three before we had to take a break due to the Boss being unwell. He had a pretty high fever and it just made more sense to give him all the love and snuggles he needed to get through whatever little virus he was fighting. He has been feeling better, so we restarted.

I’m not going to lie – I’m not a fan of sleep training, but I’m even less of a fan of myself and my son not sleeping well through the night. So I made the hard choice to restart and give it the two weeks that are suggested. Full disclosure – our first time around, I tried the modified cry it out form of sleep training and I learned very quickly that it was not for us. With that particular version, I’m supposed to do multiple checks after certain amounts of time but that really wasn’t working for us. After reading all of the material she provides, I found myself coming to the hard truth that my child needs a full cry it out method which is something I never thought I would do.

I’m writing this during night 3 because I can’t sleep. I’m proud of the Boss so far in his sleep endeavors. On night 1 he fell asleep with 4 minutes left in the 1-hour timer. Night 2 he had 7 minutes left in the timer, and last night 11 minutes.

In the moment of writing this I am wide awake. I started sleep training because I wanted to get my kid sleeping so that I could sleep (again). Go figure – on the night my kid has his best sleep night so far, I don’t sleep at all. Today is my first day back at work after my little birthday staycation and I have not slept at all. It’ll be interesting to see how today goes. Hopefully I can get at least a couple hours before my day has to start officially. We shall see…

Xoxo,

Ash, RN