As Told By Ashley

A look at my life

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The Nurses’ Station 12/18

Today was a bittersweet day on my unit. One of the most well liked nurses celebrated her last day with us. She recently graduated with her Women’s Health NP degree and plans to start working for one of the practices that delivers at our hospital.

Watching everyone’s reaction today to her leaving was just as inspirational as it was sad. Seeing all of the nurses and doctors congratulate her and wish her well was very special. One of the doctors even said, “it’s the end of an era”. It’s been on my mind all day; I couldn’t wait to write about it.

Some nurses spend their entire career never hearing how truly appreciated and valued they are. Sometimes you leave a job and you wonder if anyone will even miss you. I can only hope that I achieve that level in my nursing career – the one where a doctor calls my departure the end of an era. Of course I don’t expect it to come any time soon, but one day I’d like to know that I made a difference and left an impression that’s one to be reckoned with.

Best of luck to KRP. She’s going to do an amazing job and her patients will be lucky to have her.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Doubt

“I’m kinda at the point where I need something tangible.”

Those are the words I used when I was attempting to explain what I was going through with a friend. He looked at me like I was crazy. As if requesting something from God that I could actually see and touch wasn’t allowed. Those are the same words I said to my therapist who looked and said she understood. Then she described my feelings as a crisis of faith.

Crisis of faith

I had never even considered questioning my faith. I’m a believer. I can’t even imagine what life would be like if I didn’t believe in God. Believing and following are two very different things. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been struggling with life as a follower which has led me to question believing.

It stems from a series of disappointments, I think. One after the other after the other in multiple areas of my life. Some of the things that have happened I’ve never shared with anyone except my therapist. It’s really hard to trust that everything will be okay when things haven’t been okay for a very long time. It’s as if each disappointment has chipped away at my faith little by little and left me where I am right now. In a place of true doubt. Not doubting in God’s existence, but doubt that I’m truly heard. Does He really love me? Does He really care? Is His plan really perfect? Because so far from where I’m standing it actually kinda sucks. I had gotten to a point where I even asked God to take me while I still had what little faith I have left knowing that death was not ultimately what I wanted.

I’m kinda at the point where I need something tangible… words that God had heard from me before I shared it with anyone else. Yes, I asked God for something I could physically see and/or touch as proof. Is that wrong? Some would say yes. But he delivered and in the most unexpected way. While I’m grateful for how God blessed me (more on that to come), like I told my therapist – I don’t want to put stipulations on my relationship with God. I don’t want to constantly live in a state of “show me something or I’m walking away from this Christian thing”. That’s no way to live. In the end of our conversation she said two words to me that have changed the way I look at what I’m currently going through – it’s okay.

It’s okay to wonder. It’s okay to question. It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay if nobody else understands. It’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to admit that my faith is shaky right now because I know that it won’t always be this way. It’s okay because I’m not the first person to experience this and I won’t be the last. I have doubts and for right now, it’s okay.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

P.S. – I saw this poem a few years ago and it’s been on my heart since I started having doubts. It’s by Joseph Solomon. Hope you enjoy ✌🏽

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Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone is having a safe and socially distanced holiday. I also hope that amid a holiday that’s unlike anything we’ve ever experienced before that we are taking the time to think about all that we have to grateful for.

My family was never that family that went around the table and said one thing we were thankful for. Thanksgiving dinners usually consisted of about 50-80 people packed into my grandma’s house (depending on if that Cowboys were playing the Washington Football Team 😒). This year things will definitely look a little different, and I’m still grateful. I’ll be working on Thanksgiving, but I get to go to work knowing that my family is alive and well. A lot of people can’t/won’t be able to say that this year.

I think that every person who sits around your socially distanced Thanksgiving table is something to be grateful for. And for those of you like me who won’t get to sit around a Thanksgiving table because of work or because you don’t want to put other family members at risk, still, be grateful. You’re alive – it’s just that simple.

Love you all. XOXO,

Ash, RN

P.S. – there’s always next year 😉

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Today is the first day of the last 6 months of 2020. I don’t know about you guys but these first six months have been a rollercoaster. I took some time off from writing in an effort to process all that’s been happening in the world. Reading all of the posts and stories regarding BLM, police brutality, racial tensions, Trump, and the deaths of too many unarmed POC was becoming the norm. I honestly didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.

I know that I want my last six months of 2020 to better than my first six months, and I’m determined to finish this year stronger than I started. I hope you all feel the same. That’s all I really have to say today. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Oh… and arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor ✌🏽

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

https://astoldbyashley.com/2020/07/01/139/

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Our new normal: Update

Well…

My parents are still quarantined and I think they’re handling it pretty well. As of this past Monday, everyone in my household has been tested (in some way) for COVID-19. I got my results back Thursday and it was negative. Yay me! I’ll have to get an antibody test at some point, but no time soon.

This is week 2 of my parent’s quarantine. Everyone’s a little stir crazy, but still trying to make the best of it. Also, an important thing to note is that everyone is healthy. My dad’s symptoms have pretty much subsided. His appetite is back, he’s not as fatigued, and he’s back to making his silly jokes. My mom never really had any symptoms, so I’m grateful for that. My sister has been the ultimate champ when it comes to caring for them.

For the sake of my parents’ sanity I’m glad their quarantine is almost over. It’s been entertaining watching them navigate not being able to leave the house. I took a couple days off while I waited for my results to come back so I had a little mini staycation, but now I am back to work and happy to be getting out of the house again.

Stay safe.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Don’t settle

Today is a bittersweet day for me.

Today is the day I was supposed to sit at the settlement table and close on my house. I started this process back in December 2019 with a $250 down payment. I was excited and scared all at the same time. The plan was to continue putting money towards the down payment until today when I would come with the last $2200 of it. It was a new construction in a brand new development right across the street from an apartment complex that I lived in a couple years ago. I got to choose everything I wanted inside the house as far as counter colors, flooring, etc. but I had no say in the layout of the actual house. I paid $1000 every payday to ensure that my down payment would be a sufficient amount by settlement day.

I never stopped looking at houses. Even though my house was a decent house, it didn’t have everything that I wanted in it. I wanted a house with a garage; this house had no garage. I wanted a house with a split tub and shower in the master bath; this house had only a (very large) shower. I went back and forth wondering whether I was making the right decision. This is a house. This is an investment. This is somewhere I plan to live for at least three years. Do I really want to spend three years in a place that doesn’t have what I want just because I want to say that I have it? Especially considering how much my mortgage was going to be ($2300/month – twice my rent 😵)

I made that mistake when I bought my first car. It was there, and I didn’t want to leave without a vehicle. It was a cream (yes, cream) colored 2011 Kia Sorento. I liked it, but I didn’t love it. But I didn’t wanna leave the dealership without a car, so I bought it. It was nice for a while and then it became my biggest headache. One day last year I was getting ready to pick up my mom from the dealership where they’d just purchased my sister’s car. I went to start my Sorento and it wouldn’t start. This had been an ongoing problem that I couldn’t seem to get fixed. Every time I tried to take it to a shop they would tell me they wouldn’t know how to fix it unless it happened while the truck was with them. I couldn’t afford to leave my truck in a shop and wait for it to not start, so I went on about my business. On this particular morning when my car didn’t start, I put my purse and stuff in it and I cleaned everything else out. I knew we would be at the dealership for a few hours with my mom and there were other dealerships in the area – I was going to look for a car. We spent the entire time looking for a Chevy Equinox because that’s what I thought I wanted and I knew I could get everything I wanted in that SUV for a reasonable price. I left the dealership with a Mazda that had everything I wanted except one thing, and I was okay with that because that one thing could be added to my vehicle whenever I wanted.

I say all that to say – had I been patient the first time we went car shopping and done a bit more research I probably could’ve gotten a much better car. I could’ve saved myself a lot of money in car repairs and I probably wouldn’t have needed to buy another car so soon. But I settled. Settling with a car is one thing, but settling with a house is a completely different monster. You actually have to live there. Every day. All day.

I didn’t back out of purchasing my home. Had I done that, I would have lost all the money I put into it. It was actually an issue with my credit score that caused me to no longer qualify for the house. At first I was devastated, but then I was grateful because 1.) I didn’t really want the house. Nothing about it gave me peace. 2.) I don’t think I would have been able to afford it. I make decent money, but all my money would have been going towards the house and nothing else. 3.) I got all of my money back. Everything I had paid them was refunded to my bank account. I was able to take that money and pay my parents back for helping me to break my apartment lease, pay for my last 4 classes to finish my degree, and pay off three credit cards sooner than I planned. My credit score has since recovered and now that I’m not paying rent I can put way more money into my savings.

I restarted the process of buying a home, but with a realtor this time. I will definitely keep you guys posted.

Stay safe.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Our new normal

Life has been very interesting in the Gray house these days. I don’t even know where to begin.

I recently had some vacation time for my 28th birthday. I took off for two weeks, but scheduled myself to be off for about three. It was interesting to say the least. My whole first week was full of anxiety like I have never experienced. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was upset, I had heart palpitations, dizziness – the whole thing. I ended up scheduling a doctors appointment and an appointment with my therapist. Needless to say, both were necessary and I did get better. The second week went much better once I got my mind and body right and I was actually able to enjoy the rest of my time off.

I started back at work last Monday and it was actually nice to go back. I was only home for a little less than three weeks and I thought I would lose my mind, so I can’t imagine how everyone else has been doing it all this time. My first week back at work was nothing short of amazing. I had great patients and it was Nurses’ Week. It was just the return I needed after having the week that I had before my vacation started.

Then this past Monday…my dad tested positive for COVID-19. Talk about stretching!! I could go into so much detail about how my faith and patience have been stretched these past couple months but I won’t. I will say that my dad is doing alright, and for that I’m grateful. My mom was tested today since she had been around my dad while he was having symptoms. My sister was antibody tested last week and it was determined that she already had the virus. As for me, I’m sure I had it at some point but I was never officially tested (and I’m asymptomatic).

So, this is my new normal (for now).

Stay safe everyone.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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The Nurses’ Station 4/17

My vacation officially started when I clocked out yesterday evening at 7:30 pm. It could not have come fast enough. I literally had my worst work week to date. Yesterday topped the cake.

I still consider myself a new nurse; I’ve only had my license for a little under three years. I definitely consider myself a new labor and delivery nurse because I’ve only been doing this job on my own (officially) since December, so not even a whole six months. I still make some mistakes and I’m learning to not just be okay with that but to also learn from it.

So yesterday I had the wonderful pleasure of working with a specific doctor that about 95% of the nurses on my unit HATE. I would love to put his name out there but that wouldn’t be fair (especially while I’m still employed there). My issue is…and I guess the question I’m putting out there is: why do nurses continue to let (some) doctors be jerks to them? And why is it continually written off as “well that’s just the way s/he is”?

I have a very low tolerance for rudeness. I believe that you can disagree and still be respectful. I believe that you can not like a person and still be respectful. I was raised that way. So, when I come into a work environment and these doctors are just rude for no reason, I truly question how they were raised. I made a mistake yesterday – mind you it wasn’t life threatening – I called a patient complete who was actually 6cm. Oops. My bad. I’m sorry. My checks are still a little wonky. I made a mistake nonetheless and I wasted the doctor’s time. I get it. Time passes and I go to check my patient again and this time she is complete, so I call. He basically told me to find a better nurse to confirm my check. I got a second nurse who also said the patient was complete. He continues berating me over the phone to the point where I had to tell him – look, I made a mistake earlier and I get that but I’m still new and you need to be a little bit more patient with me. He proceeds to tell me, “believe me, I’m being nice”. My response: if that’s what you call nice, then you should nicer – and I hung up.

I was so angry all the way home. I think I even fell asleep angry. I also have to admit that it shook my confidence a little bit. Like I said, I’ve had a rough week. I’m glad I’m officially on vacation because it gives me time to gather myself and prepare myself mentally for when I return to work in May. Hopefully I can go back with a different mindset and with a little bit of my confidence back.

How do you guys handle rude doctors? Have you ever refused to work with a doctor? Do you feel like your coworkers would support you if you took a stand? Let me know what you think

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Social distancing

The world has pretty much been in an uproar since for the last couple of weeks because of Coronavirus. It’s amazing how it took something of this magnitude to get the world’s attention. Since the whispers of the virus first started, I noticed an increase in my anxiety and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. I actually had to stop looking at social media and news sites. I didn’t (and still don’t) watch the news when they’re talking about it. I don’t even like to read about it or respond to it in my group text messages. Avoidance isn’t the best form of protection but at this point in order to maintain my sanity, I try not to get involved in the conversation – even with other healthcare workers.

Life at the nurses station has changed a lot in the past week. Things were changing in the matter of one 12-hour shift. I would leave work at 7:30 pm and come back to newly mandated hospital policies the next day at 7 am. My hospital has implemented a One Visitor policy and I know of others where no visitors are allowed. Licenses that were supposed to be renewed by the end of March and April are now exempt from expiring until further notice. New nursing licenses cannot be issued. When I do take the time to have conversations with my friends from nursing school about how their hospitals are handling the virus, I become more aware of the different information we’re receiving. What I heard from our infectious disease doctors is completely different from what my friends have heard from their infectious disease doctors. In such a chaotic time in healthcare, who do you trust?

God

I choose to trust God. Why? Because God doesn’t change. At a time where information and policies are changing before you can even carry out previous instructions we need stability. For that, I choose God. For peace of mind, I choose God. For protection, I choose God. It’s been amazing to see all the other gods people have chosen over the one true God (myself included). Fear tends to expose those things within us. There’s no better time than the present to rekindle your relationship with the one who holds your future in His hands. And I can assure you America, it is not the president. Open your bibles and read them. Pray a little bit more. Watch a sermon. Listen to some worship music. Do something! Every single thing that can serve as a distraction from God has been affected in some way, shape, or form. Use this time wisely.

Stay inside. Wash your hands. Don’t touch your face. Practice social distancing. Flatten the curve. Keep the faith.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN