As Told By Ashley

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Be still

A while ago I shared with you guys about my little crisis of faith I’ve been having lately. I was talking with my sister about one of my therapy sessions in which my therapist implied that I’m angry with God. That’s probably the most accurate statement someone could use to describe how I feel. Usually when one admits ill-feelings towards God, it’s met with push back in the form of statements like “what could you possibly have to be angry about” or “you can’t be mad at God for decisions you made”. Statements like these run through my head constantly. I remember telling my sister that it’s more frustration than true anger. Frustration at the fact that my life did not turn out anything near what I thought it would. I thought I did everything right. I got good grades, I didn’t sleep around, and I worked really hard. So imagine what it’s like to wake up 10 years later and feel as though you have nothing to show for all of that hard work. Of course I’m angry. There’s so many things I would have done differently.

Now here I am in one of the most confusing times of my life. I’m at a point where everything I thought I knew and wanted to be is no longer right. I no longer know if I want to spend the rest of my life as a nurse. I remember when I wanted to open my own midwifery clinic servicing the women in the black community and now I just don’t know. I remember when I used to be so sure of my faith and belief – and now I just don’t know. Not because I’m “angry”, but because it’s hard to continue to have faith in something after so much disappointment. And please don’t point me to Job saints, I know the story. But I also know that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. I’m just the only one wiling to admit them out loud right now.

Since I quit my job, I’ve had crazy amounts of time off. I’ve never had this much time off in my life. I don’t even know what to do with all of this time off. I’m usually hone most days because I know where nothing is in my new city or I’m visiting my sister and parents in the safety and comfort of the places I’ve always known. If it’s one thing this time off has shown me is that I have no idea how to just be still. I’ve been on the go since I started working at 14 and this is the first time since then that I haven’t had two things occupying my time at once. It’s a time I’m learning to be grateful for. It’s a time I’m constantly learning how to navigate every single day when I wake up in the morning. For the first time in my life, I get to wake up and decide what I want my day to look like and that’s actually something I prayed to God that I would be able to do (*definitely did not remember that prayer until I typed that sentence*). For now, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until I come up with my own routine.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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The Nurses’ Station 2/18

Well, it’s been a little over two months since I checked in from the nurses’ station and things are definitely different for this RN.

Good news: I started a new job on a different labor and delivery unit at a completely different hospital.

Bad news: I quit 😳

I had only been there for 2.5 weeks. It wasn’t a bad job; it was actually very nice. The nurses were great. It’s way slower than my original L&D unit. It seemed as though it was going to be a lot less stressful.

So why did I leave?

Because you know, I’m just not interested anymore. The whole point of me switching jobs was to see if I didn’t like labor at all or if I just didn’t enjoy it at my original hospital. The truth is – it’s neither of those reasons. The work is still the same. Labor will always be labor. The doctors are different and the policies are different, but the core of patient care in L&D will never change.

After almost 2.5 years as a labor nurse, I’ve learned some things about myself and nursing in general:

  • I don’t always want to have the same patient all day long and labor can be a looonnngggggg process (this was also an issue I had as a psych nurse)
  • I like to talk to my patients, educate them, and send them on their way
  • Bedside nursing isn’t for everyone and that’s okay, but bedside nursing doesn’t look the same in every specialty
  • Better to have a nurse who loves their job but isn’t as good at it than to have a nurse who’s good at it but doesn’t love it. One will work their ass off to become better and the other will end up sacrificing adequate patient care for the sake of getting the job done faster. (Guilty of both honestly 🤦🏽‍♀️)
  • I am not a night shift person anymore. I used to be able to work it all, but now I’m more convinced than ever that I need to be awake when the rest of the world is awake and sleeping when everyone else is sleeping

So, what now?

Honestly guys, I don’t even know. Luckily I’m still employed PRN at my OG L&D unit and even though it is the craziest place ever, I still enjoy it most times. So I think I will ride that out until I find something a little bit more to my liking. There’s also the possibility and likelihood of going back to school to get my next degree. I’m just unsure right now. It’s scary really – to go from having everything planned out to wondering what next week is going to look like. I’ll have to keep you guys posted.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Eight

On January 15th of this year I became a homeowner. That may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it was a very big deal to me. If you’ve read my previous post you know how my first trial at purchasing a home went…not so good. This time the process was so smooth, it was just too good to be true.

Over the past month I’ve been thinking about all that it took to get to the signing table. It was the most stressful thing I’ve ever experienced. For someone like me who has anxiety that is damn near crippling at times, signing those papers was the best and worst moment of my life.

It dawned on me in the midst of all my thoughts that it took me eight months from my original settlement date for the townhouse to my actually settlement date with the house. For those of you who are super spiritual like my mama, eight is the number of new beginnings. How cool is that? To go from a moment where I felt like a complete failure to eight months later achieving one of the biggest personal goals I’ve ever set for myself. It’s a nice feeling.

It hasn’t come without challenges though. Since being in the house I’ve had some pretty annoying things happen that at times make me feel like I made the wrong decision, but I’m so grateful for my family who keeps me grounded in the reality that shit happens (pardon me saints ). I’m sure this won’t be the end of annoying things that happen in my house, and I look forward to sharing each and every one with you guys.

Stay tuned as I attempt to decorate this place. Lord knows I was not given the gift of interior decorating.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Day one

2020 was nowhere near what we all thought it would be, and that’s okay. It’s day one of a brand new year. I hope you all decide to make the best of it.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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The Nurses’ Station 12/18

Today was a bittersweet day on my unit. One of the most well liked nurses celebrated her last day with us. She recently graduated with her Women’s Health NP degree and plans to start working for one of the practices that delivers at our hospital.

Watching everyone’s reaction today to her leaving was just as inspirational as it was sad. Seeing all of the nurses and doctors congratulate her and wish her well was very special. One of the doctors even said, “it’s the end of an era”. It’s been on my mind all day; I couldn’t wait to write about it.

Some nurses spend their entire career never hearing how truly appreciated and valued they are. Sometimes you leave a job and you wonder if anyone will even miss you. I can only hope that I achieve that level in my nursing career – the one where a doctor calls my departure the end of an era. Of course I don’t expect it to come any time soon, but one day I’d like to know that I made a difference and left an impression that’s one to be reckoned with.

Best of luck to KRP. She’s going to do an amazing job and her patients will be lucky to have her.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Doubt

“I’m kinda at the point where I need something tangible.”

Those are the words I used when I was attempting to explain what I was going through with a friend. He looked at me like I was crazy. As if requesting something from God that I could actually see and touch wasn’t allowed. Those are the same words I said to my therapist who looked and said she understood. Then she described my feelings as a crisis of faith.

Crisis of faith

I had never even considered questioning my faith. I’m a believer. I can’t even imagine what life would be like if I didn’t believe in God. Believing and following are two very different things. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been struggling with life as a follower which has led me to question believing.

It stems from a series of disappointments, I think. One after the other after the other in multiple areas of my life. Some of the things that have happened I’ve never shared with anyone except my therapist. It’s really hard to trust that everything will be okay when things haven’t been okay for a very long time. It’s as if each disappointment has chipped away at my faith little by little and left me where I am right now. In a place of true doubt. Not doubting in God’s existence, but doubt that I’m truly heard. Does He really love me? Does He really care? Is His plan really perfect? Because so far from where I’m standing it actually kinda sucks. I had gotten to a point where I even asked God to take me while I still had what little faith I have left knowing that death was not ultimately what I wanted.

I’m kinda at the point where I need something tangible… words that God had heard from me before I shared it with anyone else. Yes, I asked God for something I could physically see and/or touch as proof. Is that wrong? Some would say yes. But he delivered and in the most unexpected way. While I’m grateful for how God blessed me (more on that to come), like I told my therapist – I don’t want to put stipulations on my relationship with God. I don’t want to constantly live in a state of “show me something or I’m walking away from this Christian thing”. That’s no way to live. In the end of our conversation she said two words to me that have changed the way I look at what I’m currently going through – it’s okay.

It’s okay to wonder. It’s okay to question. It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay if nobody else understands. It’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to admit that my faith is shaky right now because I know that it won’t always be this way. It’s okay because I’m not the first person to experience this and I won’t be the last. I have doubts and for right now, it’s okay.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

P.S. – I saw this poem a few years ago and it’s been on my heart since I started having doubts. It’s by Joseph Solomon. Hope you enjoy ✌🏽

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Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone is having a safe and socially distanced holiday. I also hope that amid a holiday that’s unlike anything we’ve ever experienced before that we are taking the time to think about all that we have to grateful for.

My family was never that family that went around the table and said one thing we were thankful for. Thanksgiving dinners usually consisted of about 50-80 people packed into my grandma’s house (depending on if that Cowboys were playing the Washington Football Team 😒). This year things will definitely look a little different, and I’m still grateful. I’ll be working on Thanksgiving, but I get to go to work knowing that my family is alive and well. A lot of people can’t/won’t be able to say that this year.

I think that every person who sits around your socially distanced Thanksgiving table is something to be grateful for. And for those of you like me who won’t get to sit around a Thanksgiving table because of work or because you don’t want to put other family members at risk, still, be grateful. You’re alive – it’s just that simple.

Love you all. XOXO,

Ash, RN

P.S. – there’s always next year 😉

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Today is the first day of the last 6 months of 2020. I don’t know about you guys but these first six months have been a rollercoaster. I took some time off from writing in an effort to process all that’s been happening in the world. Reading all of the posts and stories regarding BLM, police brutality, racial tensions, Trump, and the deaths of too many unarmed POC was becoming the norm. I honestly didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.

I know that I want my last six months of 2020 to better than my first six months, and I’m determined to finish this year stronger than I started. I hope you all feel the same. That’s all I really have to say today. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Oh… and arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor ✌🏽

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

https://astoldbyashley.com/2020/07/01/139/