As Told By Ashley

A look at my life

by

My story is still unfolding.

“I want to get joint physical custody, we can get that in writing if it’s really about Austin.”

That’s the last text I received from my son’s father regarding our custody case. At the time, I just wanted him to stop texting me nonsense, so I said I would talk to my lawyer. I got that text this past Sunday, and since then, every time I think about it, a certain scripture comes to mind:

“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted there by the devil. For forty days and forty nights he fasted and became very hungry. During that time the devil came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ ” Then the devil took him to the holy city, Jerusalem, to the highest point of the Temple, and said, “If you are the Son of God, jump off! For the Scriptures say, ‘He will order his angels to protect you. And they will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.’” Jesus responded, “The Scriptures also say, ‘You must not test the Lord your God.’” Next the devil took him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. “I will give it all to you,” he said, “if you will kneel down and worship me.” “Get out of here, Satan,” Jesus told him. “For the Scriptures say, ‘You must worship the Lord your God and serve only him.’ ” Then the devil went away, and angels came and took care of Jesus.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭4‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.4.1-11.NLT

I filed my custody case one year ago. I was told it was a simple case given that I am the primary parent, he lives with me, and I care for him in every aspect. I pay for everything. Everything he has (including an infant car seat and a pack-and-play currently at his dad’s house that he refuses to return) was purchased by me or by my family & friends. His visits with his dad have been sporadic due to different circumstances. Still, even when they were happening somewhat regularly, I provided everything – his clothes, his diapers, his wipes, and even his food for the entire weekend. I would even drive an hour and 15 minutes to take him to and from his dad’s house on Friday evenings to drop him off and drive back on Sunday evenings to pick him up. It became very tiring to be the only parent doing the parenting and still having to teach the other parent how to be a parent essentially. It was exhausting, but I did it because I believed that some semblance of a relationship with his father was what my son needed.

I was wrong. The only Father-son relationship my child truly needs, and the only Father-son relationship I’m responsible for cultivating and nurturing, is his relationship with his Heavenly Father.

I realize that statement may be a little too deep for some, especially those unfamiliar with God or who lack a real relationship with Him. If you only knew what kind of internal battles I’ve been dealing with spiritually, you would not only understand the weight of that statement and how big of a responsibility that is, but you would also understand how much peace it brings me to know that my child’s Father is the ultimate Father and better than any earthly one.

2024 is meant to be the year of exposure. That seems to be a common theme in the Christian community right now. There is this thought that this will be the year that God exposes many people and that if you’re not sensitive enough to the Holy Spirit, you will miss the wolf in sheep’s clothing. I have a…We can call her my spiritual accountability friend/partner/sister in Christ. She preached a sermon recently and stated that the blanket of grace has been removed. The blanket of grace has been removed – meaning that God isn’t taking his grace away from us completely (because that’s not in his nature), but he isn’t coddling us anymore underneath it, either. God is on his “get right or get left” tip, and I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not tryna get left, so that leaves one option…

When I decided (again) to surrender my life completely to Christ and whatever He wants me to do, I did it, having asked in prayer that whatever was in me that needed to be removed or healed be revealed to me. I think when we hear people talk about 2024 being the year of exposure, we tend to stay stuck on the false preachers and false teachers. So far, the most important person that has been exposed to me in 2024 is me. I have had to face a lot of hard truths about myself and where I am in my life right now. I think it was when I had to tell my lawyer the story of how my son’s dad and I met that it truly hit me. In hindsight, it’s your typical story of low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and seeking outside validation through meaningless sex and toxic relationships. I just never thought that I would get pregnant as a result because, up until this point, that hadn’t happened. These first few months of this year have led me to confront the shame, guilt, and embarrassment that I still carried from being an “unwed” mother. I can still hear my uncle’s voice telling me that it’s okay that I’m pregnant and not married because everybody’s done it. In my family, that’s very true – but I’m not them, and truthfully, this is not how I ever imagined my story would unfold.

My biggest thing with no longer walking in the guilt and shame was always, “What does that look like practically?”. Everyone would tell me that I didn’t have to carry that burden with me, but no one could tell me practically what to do so that I didn’t carry it. So this year has found me examining my thoughts and thought patterns, as well as digging into scripture to see what God says about me that is true to replace the lies that I had been telling myself. Another big thing that has been exposed to me is the lack of true forgiveness and the spirit of offense. Having to come back home to live with my parents has brought up a lot of past hurts. The county that I grew up in is very tight-knit. Everyone knows everyone. We describe it as the kind of place where you grow up and graduate, you leave and go to college, and then you come back here to raise your kids. By all accounts, I had an amazing childhood, but in having to come back here, the memories that stick out to me the most are the ones that hurt. This is where my great-grandfather died. This is where my dad had his accident and could have died. This is where I experienced the financial trauma that comes with bankruptcy and losing what felt like everything when we had to leave my childhood home. This is where I was when I found out that my god-brother died. I came back here knowing that I would run into some of the same of the same people from high school that I couldn’t wait to get away from once I was an adult.

Yet, here I am again. So, what is the point of this post? Where am I going with all of this?

I started this post with the text I received from my son’s dad, which has led me to do some deep reflection since it landed in my inbox. Before receiving that message, I had been a little discouraged about this whole custody thing because I was starting to feel like I would never get my day in court. I struggled with that because I wanted the opportunity to tell my story. I don’t even think that custody cases work like that in real life, but that’s how I felt. I wanted to tell my side of the story. I wanted a judge to hear it, and I wanted my son’s dad to hear it too, in an environment where he would be forced to listen, but it didn’t look like that would happen. So, my original intent for this post was to do that – tell my story. I had every intention of detailing and recounting all of the events that have taken place over the last 18.5 months and releasing it on the one-year anniversary of my case.

It was his use of if it’s really about Austin that sparked my recollection of the scripture and how Satan kept baiting Jesus and saying, if you’re really the Son of God, then do XYZ. That’s what that text felt like…bait. I didn’t take the bait, but I could have responded better. I can tell that the Lord is working on my heart because six months ago, I would’ve cussed him out. Three months ago, or maybe even three weeks ago, he would’ve gotten cussed out, to be honest. But after having that conversation with my lawyer, I made a conscious decision to let go of the anger. I’m not an innocent bystander in what has happened over the past year and a half, and that’s something I’ll continue to work through in therapy. I lacked boundaries, and honestly, I still had those feelings of needing that external validation. I’m at a point in my life where going one day without prayer is too long. I choose every day to surrender the anger, surrender the insecurities, and surrender the grief that I still feel over not being able to give my son the life and father I believed he deserves. I’m doing the hard work of identifying the areas and people in my life where that unforgiveness still lies. I’m reading a great book about the spirit of offense and how it manifests itself in our everyday lives. Most importantly, I’ve had to accept the fact that I may not ever get to tell my story – at least not in the way I was originally planning to do it. My story can’t be about all of the things that Austin’s dad has done wrong or all of the ways I feel that I was wronged by him. Continuing to relive and rehearse those moments don’t serve me in any way. It keeps me stuck in a perpetual cycle of doubt, insecurity, unforgiveness, anger, and offense. So maybe that’s why I haven’t been given the opportunity to tell it – because that’s not the part of the story that’s meant to be the focus.

And that’s okay. My story is still unfolding. Until next time…

XOXO,

Ash, RN

by

Thirty-one

Usually around the time of my birthday I do a lot of reflecting on the past year of my life. I also try to be super intentional about spending time with God in hopes of determining what my life should like in the upcoming year. This past year was a big one for me. There were a lot of emotional ups and downs in year 30.

I honestly don’t even know where to begin, but the biggest event of my 30th year was giving birth to my son. I’ve said it multiple times on multiple platforms and to multiple people – there is no experience more humbling than motherhood. NOTHING will test you in every single fruit of the spirit like being a parent. NOTHING! From the moment I found out I was pregnant, there was no decision that could be made without considering the life growing inside of me. Now, I sit back and look at that little boy and I’m in constant awe of just how good God really is. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

In my 30th year, I feel like I was tested in so many different areas. I was stretched in ways that I did not even think was possible. But I learned that I’m so much stronger and so much more capable than I give myself credit for. Sometimes I forget how strong I truly am. This past year definitely put it all into perspective for me.

I got to bring my 30th year to a close by seeing someone I truly admire live for the first time: Jackie Hill Perry. I went to the Glory conference in Philadelphia. It was everything I knew it would be and I’ve never had a more divine experience than I did this past weekend. If you’ve never experienced a JHP teaching of the text then I highly encourage you to do so. If you’ve never been to Glory then I highly encourage you to go.

I thought that I would have something incredibly deep and profound to say, but I don’t. I’m turning 31 today and I’m grateful. I have a happy, healthy 8 month old son and I’m grateful. We have a roof over our heads by way of my parents and I’m grateful. I have a job that helps me pay my bills and save money and I’m grateful. I don’t know what 31 will have to offer, but I do know that whatever it is – I’m grateful.

by

Be still

A while ago I shared with you guys about my little crisis of faith I’ve been having lately. I was talking with my sister about one of my therapy sessions in which my therapist implied that I’m angry with God. That’s probably the most accurate statement someone could use to describe how I feel. Usually when one admits ill-feelings towards God, it’s met with push back in the form of statements like “what could you possibly have to be angry about” or “you can’t be mad at God for decisions you made”. Statements like these run through my head constantly. I remember telling my sister that it’s more frustration than true anger. Frustration at the fact that my life did not turn out anything near what I thought it would. I thought I did everything right. I got good grades, I didn’t sleep around, and I worked really hard. So imagine what it’s like to wake up 10 years later and feel as though you have nothing to show for all of that hard work. Of course I’m angry. There’s so many things I would have done differently.

Now here I am in one of the most confusing times of my life. I’m at a point where everything I thought I knew and wanted to be is no longer right. I no longer know if I want to spend the rest of my life as a nurse. I remember when I wanted to open my own midwifery clinic servicing the women in the black community and now I just don’t know. I remember when I used to be so sure of my faith and belief – and now I just don’t know. Not because I’m “angry”, but because it’s hard to continue to have faith in something after so much disappointment. And please don’t point me to Job saints, I know the story. But I also know that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. I’m just the only one wiling to admit them out loud right now.

Since I quit my job, I’ve had crazy amounts of time off. I’ve never had this much time off in my life. I don’t even know what to do with all of this time off. I’m usually hone most days because I know where nothing is in my new city or I’m visiting my sister and parents in the safety and comfort of the places I’ve always known. If it’s one thing this time off has shown me is that I have no idea how to just be still. I’ve been on the go since I started working at 14 and this is the first time since then that I haven’t had two things occupying my time at once. It’s a time I’m learning to be grateful for. It’s a time I’m constantly learning how to navigate every single day when I wake up in the morning. For the first time in my life, I get to wake up and decide what I want my day to look like and that’s actually something I prayed to God that I would be able to do (*definitely did not remember that prayer until I typed that sentence*). For now, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until I come up with my own routine.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

by

Doubt

“I’m kinda at the point where I need something tangible.”

Those are the words I used when I was attempting to explain what I was going through with a friend. He looked at me like I was crazy. As if requesting something from God that I could actually see and touch wasn’t allowed. Those are the same words I said to my therapist who looked and said she understood. Then she described my feelings as a crisis of faith.

Crisis of faith

I had never even considered questioning my faith. I’m a believer. I can’t even imagine what life would be like if I didn’t believe in God. Believing and following are two very different things. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been struggling with life as a follower which has led me to question believing.

It stems from a series of disappointments, I think. One after the other after the other in multiple areas of my life. Some of the things that have happened I’ve never shared with anyone except my therapist. It’s really hard to trust that everything will be okay when things haven’t been okay for a very long time. It’s as if each disappointment has chipped away at my faith little by little and left me where I am right now. In a place of true doubt. Not doubting in God’s existence, but doubt that I’m truly heard. Does He really love me? Does He really care? Is His plan really perfect? Because so far from where I’m standing it actually kinda sucks. I had gotten to a point where I even asked God to take me while I still had what little faith I have left knowing that death was not ultimately what I wanted.

I’m kinda at the point where I need something tangible… words that God had heard from me before I shared it with anyone else. Yes, I asked God for something I could physically see and/or touch as proof. Is that wrong? Some would say yes. But he delivered and in the most unexpected way. While I’m grateful for how God blessed me (more on that to come), like I told my therapist – I don’t want to put stipulations on my relationship with God. I don’t want to constantly live in a state of “show me something or I’m walking away from this Christian thing”. That’s no way to live. In the end of our conversation she said two words to me that have changed the way I look at what I’m currently going through – it’s okay.

It’s okay to wonder. It’s okay to question. It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay if nobody else understands. It’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to admit that my faith is shaky right now because I know that it won’t always be this way. It’s okay because I’m not the first person to experience this and I won’t be the last. I have doubts and for right now, it’s okay.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

P.S. – I saw this poem a few years ago and it’s been on my heart since I started having doubts. It’s by Joseph Solomon. Hope you enjoy ✌🏽

by

Worry

So I’ve made the move back home with my parents in preparation for all that is to come in 2020.

However, I’m not writing about that today. My father and I were taking some of my things to storage yesterday and he said something to me in the midst of organizing all my crap in the storage unit that I just had to share. Usually when I share stories about my dad they involve some insane thing that he said to either myself or my sister that left us shaking our heads and/or crying from laughter. Yesterday’s one-liner gave me an all new feeling.

Per usual, I was overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I’ve accumulated since moving out back in 2017. I was worried that it wouldn’t all fit in this little storage room. As my father is carefully rearranging things already in the unit to fit in the last of things from my apartment I couldn’t help but ask him if he was sure it was gonna all fit. He never looked at me; he never stopped working. Instead he said, “I’m not worried, so why are you? If I start to worry, then you can worry.”

The amount of peace that came over me in that moment is indescribable. Immediately I thought of God. People often say how we associate our views of God as our heavenly father based on our relationship with our worldly father. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a two-parent household with a very present father, so I never really had to guess what a father is supposed to be like. But I think that was the first time I heard my Heavenly Father in my worldly father’s voice.

Anxiety has been a constant in my life for some years now. When it started – I honestly don’t remember. This past year has been a struggle (for reasons I may discuss in a future post) and the amount of worry I’ve experienced has increased in ways that I really can’t articulate. And to be honest, I’ve been worried about some of the dumbest things. But sometimes you just can’t help it.

I’m not worried, so why are you? A question God probably asks us on a regular basis. If I start to worry, then you can worry. How amazing is it that we serve a God who is never worried?!

Not worrying will always be easier said than done, but it does feel good to know that at any given moment we can give that worry to God. We can lay it at his feet and rest knowing that the issue will be handled according to his will.

That’s all I have for today. Peace ✌🏽

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

by

What’s your motive?

Usually one of the first things I do in the mornings is check the verse of the day. I use the YouVersion app and the verse of the day shows up as one of the widgets when I swipe my lock screen. Yesterday’s verse of the day was Mark 11:24 (I use the NLT version), “I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. Very encouraging word, right?

This morning I woke up and per usual I checked my verse of the day. Even though I wasn’t fully awake and my eyes were still adjusting I managed to read what was there. “And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong – you only want what will give you pleasure” (James 4:3 NLT). I got up and went on with my morning routine. I ended up sitting in my living room preparing to journal about the two verses because they spoke to me on a heart level. I opened my YouVersion app and scrolled to the verse of the day and it was not James 4:3. I was so confused because not only did I know what I had seen, but I recognized what I felt as I read that verse. You can’t deny the feeling of conviction. (Well you could but what good would that do?) I was so excited after reading yesterday’s verse only to be reminded of a very harsh reality that we often overlook when seeking God for the desires of our heart.

What’s your motive?

Why do you want that job?

Why do you want that relationship with that person?

Why do you want more money?

Why do you want that house or that car?

I think in the moments where we feel like God isn’t answering our prayers like his word says he will in Mark 11, we should remember what his word also says in James 4. When things don’t go our way, we’re quick to blame God or believe that he doesn’t hear us or that we’ve messed up so bad in the past that there’s no way he would give us the desires of our heart. But that’s not true. Sometimes God doesn’t give us the desires of our heart simply because we desire them for the wrong reasons.

Check your motive.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

by

But even if you don’t…

For the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about these five words. I’ve heard a variation of them in different sermons and messages from a few different pastors and preachers over the last month or so. To be honest, I’ve struggled with these five words.

It’s the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. I’m not going to go through the whole thing, but it’s important that we set the scene. They were the 3 young men who stood in front of King Nebuchadnezzar and basically told him that they would not bow down to his gods. He threatened to toss them (alive) into a blazing hot furnace. The three young men stood in front of the king and told him once more that they would not bow down. They then proceeded to tell the king that they knew God would save them if they were to be thrown into the furnace. But look at what they said next:

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

‭‭Daniel‬ ‭3:17-18‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“But even if he doesn’t…”

I sat for a while wondering if I’ve ever been that bold in my faith. Lately it hasn’t seemed that way. I made the decision to return home to my parents’ house and since then anything and everything that could go wrong has. I told my mom today that I feel like I’m one car problem away from a nervous breakdown. She told me to stay calm and be positive; everything would work out.

But even if it doesn’t…

Well, what if it doesn’t? Then what do I do?

The truth is…I don’t know. I won’t know unless it actually doesn’t work out. Why is it that we have so much faith that things will work out but lack the belief that even if he doesn’t do that thing that we need or give us that relationship that we want, we will still be okay. These three boys knew that even if God chose not to spare their lives, they would still okay because they would have died in obedience.

Can we say and/or do the same? Just a thought.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

by

TOSC 18

I just finished watching Day 2 of The Online Singles Conference 2018.

It. Was. Awesome.

The conference is hosted by Married and Young founders Jamal and Natasha Miller. It’s comprised of multiple sessions taught by different singles and couples in ministry. This year’s conference was their third TOSC, but it was my first time attending. The conference is completely online and totally convenient for the person who doesn’t have all day to sit at their computer watching. Fortunately for me, I was able to sit home all day since I finally had some time off from work.

The number one reason why I enjoyed this conference so much is because it catered to every season. Even though the conference targets singles, it’s definitely for married couples as well. Day 1 was completely dedicated to the marriage season. It was helpful in preparing those of us who desire to be married and I believe it was a blessing to those who are already married and may be struggling with that. Apostle Matthew Stevenson and his wife Kamilah did a session on mother/father wounds and how they manifest themselves that absolutely blew my mind. I can’t even pick a session and say it was “my favorite” because I learned something valuable from each one of them.

Pause. Yes I can – the session with Talaat and Tai McNeely was definitely my favorite because it dealt with the topic of money and getting my finances together before marriage has been my top priority lately. But!!! That doesn’t discredit any of the other sessions. Jared Ellis shared a man’s perspective on being single for an extended period of time and it was awesome. I always enjoy hearing from the Lindsay’s. The story of their first year of marriage is definitely worth listening to. Pastor Mike Todd was there! Y’all. It was awesome.

The overall theme of the conference seemed to surround the idea of maximizing your time and potential while in your single season. Every speaker seemed to really push the point of focusing on yourself and really getting that one-on-one time with God while you actually have the time. There’s no better time to get to know God intimately than when you’re single. You have no one to answer to but God. You have no one to compare and align schedules with but God. You can pick up and leave whenever you want. You are free to do what God wants you to do without having to consider another person’s wellbeing in the process. I’m sad to say, that I never thought of my single season that way.

Perspective is everything.

This conference revealed so many things in me and about me that need to be worked out and worked on before marriage. The hosts also lead The One University which is a year long (approximately) program of intentional singleness. I’ve been a member of TOU for a while now and I must admit that I haven’t been taking it seriously. It wasn’t until today that I realized that it truly is an investment into myself and the kind of wife that I hope to be one day.

I’d love to go into more detail about TOU, but I honestly believe that Jamal and Natasha put their whole hearts into this program and if you want to experience it – you should pay for it. I do, every month. It is an investment. It’s helped so many people. I’ve read and watched the TOU success stories and they’re very inspiring. I look forward to updating you guys on my journey.

Peace✌🏽