A while ago I shared with you guys about my little crisis of faith I’ve been having lately. I was talking with my sister about one of my therapy sessions in which my therapist implied that I’m angry with God. That’s probably the most accurate statement someone could use to describe how I feel. Usually when one admits ill-feelings towards God, it’s met with push back in the form of statements like “what could you possibly have to be angry about” or “you can’t be mad at God for decisions you made”. Statements like these run through my head constantly. I remember telling my sister that it’s more frustration than true anger. Frustration at the fact that my life did not turn out anything near what I thought it would. I thought I did everything right. I got good grades, I didn’t sleep around, and I worked really hard. So imagine what it’s like to wake up 10 years later and feel as though you have nothing to show for all of that hard work. Of course I’m angry. There’s so many things I would have done differently.
Now here I am in one of the most confusing times of my life. I’m at a point where everything I thought I knew and wanted to be is no longer right. I no longer know if I want to spend the rest of my life as a nurse. I remember when I wanted to open my own midwifery clinic servicing the women in the black community and now I just don’t know. I remember when I used to be so sure of my faith and belief – and now I just don’t know. Not because I’m “angry”, but because it’s hard to continue to have faith in something after so much disappointment. And please don’t point me to Job saints, I know the story. But I also know that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. I’m just the only one wiling to admit them out loud right now.
Since I quit my job, I’ve had crazy amounts of time off. I’ve never had this much time off in my life. I don’t even know what to do with all of this time off. I’m usually hone most days because I know where nothing is in my new city or I’m visiting my sister and parents in the safety and comfort of the places I’ve always known. If it’s one thing this time off has shown me is that I have no idea how to just be still. I’ve been on the go since I started working at 14 and this is the first time since then that I haven’t had two things occupying my time at once. It’s a time I’m learning to be grateful for. It’s a time I’m constantly learning how to navigate every single day when I wake up in the morning. For the first time in my life, I get to wake up and decide what I want my day to look like and that’s actually something I prayed to God that I would be able to do (*definitely did not remember that prayer until I typed that sentence*). For now, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until I come up with my own routine.
Xoxo,
Ash, RN
