As Told By Ashley

Month Four. This month brought some big changes to our lives. In month four, I made the difficult decision to move us out of the city and back to Southern Maryland with my parents. I have posts that speak on the intentionality of God throughout the whole process of the move. It was beyond anything I could’ve prayed for. I put my house on the market in hopes of avoiding a foreclosure and in order to get it sold more quickly, I opted to move us out. By Christmas day, Austin and I were official residents of SoMD again.

We’ve been living with my parents since month four and it’s been amazing. I’ve had so much more help with Aus. He has a bond with my parents that is just too cute for words. He has had a constant male role model in the home because of my dad, and since we’re closer to family he has access to all of my uncles and male cousins as well. Like I said, I opted to move because I knew my house would sell faster if I wasn’t in it but coming back “home” was about way more than just selling my house. As much as it hurt my pride to admit, I needed the help and I wasn’t going to get it in the city. Our support system is here, so here we are.

Austin got to celebrate his first Christmas with my parents in the same house I got to celebrate Christmas in a few times. He attended his first Christmas brunch that we held on Christmas Eve with my mom’s side of the family and his first Christmas Dinner with my dad’s side of the family. At one time in my life, those were moments that I could only dream about: spending the holidays with my own little family. This past year it became a reality. It’s not the nuclear family I envisioned but it’s still mine nonetheless. We had a blast and Austin was very spoiled with love by some of his older cousins.

It wouldn’t be a milestone month if I didn’t discuss the biggest challenge of month four: 4 month sleep regression. I think Austin was a pretty good sleeper in the beginning. He was giving me 4-5 hours stretches relatively early but because he had lost so much weight I had to wake him often to feed. Eventually we were able to settle into a little routine, but month four changed everything. I had sooooooooooo much anxiety about Austin’s sleep. I felt like a complete failure that he was no longer sleeping for those long stretches. And we just so happened to be one of the lucky ones whose 4 month sleep regression lasted a whole six weeks 🙃. I could’ve cried. I did cry. A lot. I was so defeated. It was during that time that we moved, Austin was starting to outgrow his mini crib, and we started co-sleeping. Before having my own child I was firmly against co-sleeping and if I’m honest I’m still not 100% a fan. It definitely poses a risk to safety for the new babies. I did it because we needed to sleep, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t worried about it constantly. But we did what we had to do. I was and am still fortunate that we were able to co-sleep safely and that my kiddo did well.

Month Three. This was the month I decided to start a sleep routine (after it was suggested to me by my sister 😂). Little did I know, it would be the best advice. I found out in month three that I had a pretty good sleeper. I was getting 4-5 hour stretches each night which for me was perfection. It’s kinda how I slept when I was pregnant anyway. Month three brought first smiles, a steady flow of breast milk, and an actual routine for daytime sleep which helped with nighttime sleep. I started a new full time job with amazing benefits, and it was a remote position so I got to be home with Aus.

Month three also brought about the daycare debate. Probably one of the most intense disagreements I have ever had with Austin’s dad. The debate: mom wants Austin in a daycare center where he can learn new developmental skills & get uninterrupted care; dad thinks Austin is too young for daycare because he’s only three months old (cue eye roll from every working mom on the planet). I feel like I fought really hard for this one. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate confrontation and will try to avoid it. I’m a peace keeper. I tend to be able to see all sides and take all things into consideration when it comes to conflict resolution. But this was a hill I was willing to die on. Having been a kid in daycare myself for years (to attend school in a different district), I was not willing to budge on the benefits of daycare. Plus, I felt better knowing that my child was safe in a center that was only accessible by staff and parents. If I ever needed to go meet a client for work, I didn’t have to find last minute childcare. The place was 20 minutes from my house. It was a win-win for me & Austin. It was expensive and although I could afford to pay for it on my own, I still asked Austin’s dad for help. That didn’t go over so well. I really have nothing nice to say about this entire exchange because the whole conversation was so unbelievable and it still gets my blood boiling every time I think about the messages I received 🙃, so we’ll skip to the good part…

In month three Austin started daycare, which I’m sure was harder for me than it was for him. He adjusted very quickly. He loved his teachers and I was so grateful for the help. It also brought me peace of mind knowing that he wasn’t watching Miss Rachel all day, even though we love her. The convenience of the location made it all so much easier. I could literally go play with him on my lunch break if I wanted to. If I forgot something at home or if he messed up his clothes (which happened a lot thanks to reflux), I could bring extras that same day. It was the absolute best decision I ever made. By this point, we were settling into a routine and it was great. By month 3, I was finally feeling like I could do the mom thing.

Month Two. In month two, I think it finally hit me that I wasn’t going to get the help I was promised from Austin’s dad. My relationship with him has changed so much over the past year. We didn’t start out in a very good groove in my opinion; he might have a different perspective but this ain’t his blog so there’s that 🙃.

No – but seriously, I struggled a lot with my expectations of him as a father. I don’t think we were ever really on the same page regarding what being a father to Aus would look like. I’m blessed enough to have grown up in a two parent household with a very active father. My dad was always there. I do not know a life without my dad, and I’ve learned over the years to never EVER take that for granted. With that being said – I REALLY REALLY struggled with Austin’s dad not being in the picture as often as he had said he would be. In a way, I felt like it was my fault. I think during month two is where all of those feelings of failure started to creep their way back into my mind. In a world where you always want your kids to have it better than you did, I felt like I had already failed mine by not giving him that two parent household at the very least. To me, that was basic and I couldn’t even give him that. It still stings sometimes. I remember a friend of mine telling me that as a single mom you overcompensate a lot of the time because you feel like you have to make up for the fact that your child doesn’t have their father, especially when they’re old enough to realize it. I get that. I’d like to say that I won’t be that mom, but I honestly don’t know. We’re not together, and to be honest I never thought we would be. I had said from the very beginning that I never wanted to be a couple just because we were having a baby together. Even that – us not being together – has been the biggest blessing.

Regardless of us not being together, Aus was and still is happy and healthy and thriving. I’m sure he loves his dad and he seems to enjoy the time that he does get to spend with him even if it isn’t as much as I would like. But here’s the thing that I’ve had to remember this past year – it’s not about me & my expectations. It’s about Austin and his needs. I made a promise to myself that I would always try to foster Austin’s relationship with his dad regardless of how I feel about him. I made a silent vow that I would never say anything bad about his dad to him or around him because I just don’t think that’s right to do. I think it undermines the authority of the other parent when you trash talk them in front of the kid(s). I won’t lie to Aus about my struggles and having to do things on my own, but I won’t denigrate his father in the process. We’re both learning how to be parents, and all we have to go on is the way we were raised by our own parents. Like I said, my experience growing up was very different and it shows.

I was still very much sleep deprived, but happy nonetheless. Austin was always a good baby from the moment I brought him home. Month two brought us our first diaper blow out, some seriously funny faces when waking up, a 1 year old cousin & the announcement that he would be a big brother, and some very comical moments with Storm. Month two also came with the realization that I hadn’t taken my Lexapro since 2 weeks postpartum and for the first time in a really long time my anxiety felt like normal first-time mom anxiety & not the insanely over the top dramatic thoughts that I had experienced during pregnancy. Month two was also the month I returned to work.

I didn’t have any mom guilt about returning to work. At least, I don’t think I did. I was so happy to go back to work after having been unemployed for so long before even giving birth. It felt good to be back on the floor on my OG unit PRN, and I had a landed a full-time WFH job as well. I missed my kid a lot while I was working, especially on the days I had to do babies but I don’t think I felt the guilt. He’s usually with my parents while I’m working, so he’s safe and well taken care of. I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t anxious. I was just happy to feel like a normal person again. I was happy to talk to someone and have them respond with real words and not cries, whines, or barking. Aus was 10 weeks when I went back to work, and I think that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

On to the next…

I started writing these posts around the time he was about 2.5 months old. My goal has always been to be honest about life and love and all the things. Reminiscing on this past year has me in all of my feelings. Aus and I have been through so much…and this is only the beginning.

Like I said, when I started writing this post he was a little over two months old and I was on the verge of losing my house. That in and of itself is a testimony. I can’t even begin to detail all the ways God kept us covered through help from our extended family in the beginning months of Austin’s life. My parents, sister & brother-in-law, grandmother, aunts & uncles, and cousins all helped us in ways that I will never forget. Some of them I’ve been able to pay back; some of them refuse to accept my money. Either way, they saved us. They helped keep a roof over our heads and some of them didn’t even know it.

Month One. This month was all about survival. I was so excited to be a new mom, but I was also really scared. I had spent the last 40 weeks (and 1 day) caring for this life growing inside of my body, and now I was responsible for his life outside of my body. I only spent one full night in the hospital and I went home. I wanted to sleep in my own bed and I was coming down with a cold, so I wanted to be home. That first month was filled with no sleep and a dehydrated baby. I cried a lot in month one. Mainly because I felt so defeated. I had no help, except for the three glorious days that my mom spent with me. Those three days were like heaven on earth. I got to take real showers – the ones where you actually get to stand there and contemplate life for a little while you symbolically wash your worries away. I got to take naps. She cleaned my entire house and cleaned up my yard. She even got Austin’s dad to come over and help her do a lot of the outside work. She cooked dinner. She helped me not lose my mind over how immensely painful breastfeeding was in the beginning. But – I couldn’t keep my mama away from my dad forever, so after those three days she went home.

I got very little sleep which was to be expected. I tried the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” thing but the reality is that that is not possible, especially as a single mom. When the baby was sleeping was when I had to get stuff done around my house. And even then, I wasn’t always able to do what I needed to do. Austin lost a little too much weight after coming home and so I was on the a mission to feed every 2-3 hours, no exceptions. I remember the night I broke down and gave him formula for the first time – I was devastated. It’s amazing how societal pressures warp our minds into believing certain things. I thought I was a failure by giving my kid this formula. I thought I was a failure for not being able to figure out why he was still crying after all my efforts. But lo and behold – I gave him the enfamil and he was out like a light…and then I bawled crying. That whole time my kid was hungry and I was so concerned with my expectations of breastfeeding and what all it entailed that I didn’t even think that maybe I just wasn’t making enough milk. He had lost too much weight and was starting to make less wet diapers, so I got a plan in place with our pediatric NP. I pumped and measured what he was taking in to see if I was making what he seemed to need and it turned out that I wasn’t. So I still put him to the breast when I was supposed to, but we also started supplementing because my kid was hungry.

Month one was just a lot. We did a lot of weight checks in that first month. It was a totally new world for me. My experience with children as a nurse was and still is completely nonexistent. I am not a pediatric nurse, nor do I ever aspire to be. Shout out to the ones who do it and shout out to our office for helping me to not lose my mind in that first month. Needless to say, we conquered month one and moved on to the next…

So about two weeks ago, I decided that I was going to make a good faith effort to sleep train the Boss. I purchased The Peaceful Sleeper’s 4-24 month sleep training program. It was going well. We made it all the way to day three before we had to take a break due to the Boss being unwell. He had a pretty high fever and it just made more sense to give him all the love and snuggles he needed to get through whatever little virus he was fighting. He has been feeling better, so we restarted.

I’m not going to lie – I’m not a fan of sleep training, but I’m even less of a fan of myself and my son not sleeping well through the night. So I made the hard choice to restart and give it the two weeks that are suggested. Full disclosure – our first time around, I tried the modified cry it out form of sleep training and I learned very quickly that it was not for us. With that particular version, I’m supposed to do multiple checks after certain amounts of time but that really wasn’t working for us. After reading all of the material she provides, I found myself coming to the hard truth that my child needs a full cry it out method which is something I never thought I would do.

I’m writing this during night 3 because I can’t sleep. I’m proud of the Boss so far in his sleep endeavors. On night 1 he fell asleep with 4 minutes left in the 1-hour timer. Night 2 he had 7 minutes left in the timer, and last night 11 minutes.

In the moment of writing this I am wide awake. I started sleep training because I wanted to get my kid sleeping so that I could sleep (again). Go figure – on the night my kid has his best sleep night so far, I don’t sleep at all. Today is my first day back at work after my little birthday staycation and I have not slept at all. It’ll be interesting to see how today goes. Hopefully I can get at least a couple hours before my day has to start officially. We shall see…

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

Last night was night number two of sleep training my 7 month old. It started off a little rocky, but eventually ended in my son falling asleep after the first 20 minute timer on his own in his crib…and waking up 20 minutes after that.

I wasn’t prepared for that. Initially I was very happy because in the grand scheme of things it had taken 15 minutes less to fall asleep last night than it did the night before. I feel like that’s progress. And then he woke up 20 minutes after falling asleep and I must admit – I panicked. I didn’t remember reading/watching anything about what to do if that happened. So I kinda did my own thing. I gave him about 15 minutes to see if he would go back to sleep and he did not. So, I went in to console him and lay him back down and in true Boss fashion he was crying before I even left the room.

I know I’m not the only parent that’s ever felt some type of way about watching their kid cry. And to the parents who have no problem with it – kudos to you, but I ain’t the one. I call BS on y’all the same way I call BS on women who say they “love” being pregnant. This is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I know I’m doing it for a good reason. I reset my little timer for 20 minutes and gave my kid some more time to figure it out. He’s smart and I knew he was capable. It was just a matter of me not letting my own guilty feelings get in the way of him being a successful independent sleeper. I sat in my living room for a while watching him try to decide whether to lay down or keep fighting. But if it’s one thing my little sister has taught me with all of her sleep efforts with my nephew – it’s that sleep always wins. Plus I knew that I could “rescue” his sleep at any moment. But I really wanted to give it an honest try, so I sat and waited and watched and waited and watched.

I can’t lie, things got a little comical at one point. My son actually fell asleep sitting up. He just would not lay down even though he was nodding off and falling over in different directions. I really struggled with what to do. I wanted to lay him down but I didn’t want to risk him waking up and us having to start the battle all over again, so I just kept watching. He was still humming and still nodding off, but that kid was persistent. He just would not lay down. Eventually his nodding off resulted in him tumbling over and scaring himself awake which then led to me rescuing his efforts. I fed him and basically just held him while he fell asleep – no rocking necessary because he was just that tired. Poor kiddo. The greatest task after that was the arm to crib transfer. It took three tries but I got him in his crib and managed to keep him asleep.

I wanted to say that we took the L last night on independent sleep, but really we didn’t. Like I said, he took less time over all to fall asleep and he was actually able to do it on his own twice. He just wouldn’t lay down the second time around. This sleep training thing is definitely a challenge, but I’ve learned a little more about my son these last two nights and just how capable he is despite protesting. I think (hope 🤞🏽) that he’ll be very much improved by the end of the week. We shall see.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

I officially started sleep training my son last night and lemme tell you…it ain’t for the weak. I hesitated with sleep training because if I’m honest I really don’t like hearing my child cry. I understand that babies cry and sometimes they have a very good reason, but to let him cry himself to sleep when I’m right there and capable of helping him just seemed so cruel. I had to really change my mindset and look at it from a perspective of sleep being a skill he needs to learn.

Prior to last night when Aus was first born I just tried to focus on setting up a sleep routine, and we had a pretty good run for a while. Once we moved things really changed. We started co-sleeping on a more regular basis since his mini crib was getting small and soon that became the norm. The other night the Boss fell off the bed and that’s when I decided I would give sleep training the official go again. So last night was night one and it was so hard! Harder for me than for him I’m sure – but still hard nonetheless. I ended up purchasing the 4-24 month class from the peaceful sleeper and last night it definitely helped. I decided to use her modified cry-it-out approach in which she states that 95% of the thousands of babies she’s helped sleep train have fallen asleep in the 3 or 4th timer set (buy the course if you wanna know what I’m talking about 😏) and the Boss feel asleep during set 3. I’m super impressed for it being our first night, especially since I was ready to call it quits after the 15 minute time set. Regardless of that he did it.

I’m curious to see how tonight will go and these next few nights honestly. I have faith that he will do well; I just need to build myself up to be able to withstand the crying. I also have to get used to sleeping alone again. I haven’t slept in this bed alone since Austin and I moved back in with my parents. I think I might need a little sleep training myself. Pray for us ✌🏽

Xoxo,

Ash, RN