As Told By Ashley

My baby boy is no longer a newborn. He’s officially three months old and I’m just as in love with him today as I was the day he was born. These past three months have been the most challenging and faith building months of my life. I’ve learned so much though. Allow me to share:

• Like I said before, the first month is all about survival. That was the best advice I heard/read and it really changed my way of thinking about everything I was doing to get through the day in the beginning.
• All of those moms on Instagram & Facebook that you see with the bags and bags of breast milk are not the norm. My sister had to drill that into my mind repeatedly. I make enough milk for my son and when I don’t, we supplement. There’s nothing wrong with that.
• There’s no such thing as a schedule in the beginning. Baby will start to show patterned behavior, but a schedule is nonexistent. So if you’re like me and you thrive with a set schedule, try not to let baby’s habits (or lack thereof) frustrate you. You will be flustered, but it gets better so try not to get frustrated. Advice that I’m currently walking through right now.
• The worst advice I was given as a new mom was “sleep when the baby sleeps”. People who continue to give this advice should be quiet. It’s not always easy to do that, especially if you’re a single parent like myself. Definitely sleep when you can, but that won’t always be when the baby is sleeping. I spent a lot of time cleaning and/or giving some undivided attention to my dog while my kiddo was sleeping.
• Say NO and don’t feel bad about it, ever. I’ve had to learn this and to be honest, I’m still learning. Not everyone can (or should) have access to my son. That means I can say no to FaceTime calls, home visits, offers to babysit, etc. If I don’t want my son around certain family members, that’s my choice and for right now that’s the only choice that matters.
• For my fellow single parents – set boundaries with your child(ren)’s other parent. This is something that I’m still learning how to do, but it’s super important as the primary parent. You are home base. You and your home are your child’s safe place. Set those boundaries and don’t apologize for them, especially when the other parent is inconsistent in the child’s life.
• Communicate. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This was and still is a tough one for me. Bear and I have been so incredibly blessed by our extended family. They’ve done things to help us that many people don’t even know about. If it wasn’t for them I probably would’ve lost my house.
• It’s okay if you don’t feel that instant connection and overwhelming love for your baby. More people are bringing this issue to light and I just want to reiterate it. I love my son. I loved him the day he was born, but it wasn’t instant. It took a while for me to feel that overwhelming sense of joy that comes with being a new mom. And let’s be honest, that feeling can be easily snuffed out when you’re tired, hungry, and haven’t showered or slept in 24+ hours. Babies take so much more than they give in the beginning and it’s draining. So yeah, you may not have all the feels in the beginning and that’s okay.
• It does get better. My friend Jennifer said that to me a lot, and she was so right. It doesn’t always get easier, but it does in fact get better. The sleepless nights and frustration are a small price to pay to see your baby happy and healthy. Bear is thriving and it’s such a blessing to see.
• Figure out what works for you and your family when it comes to the big things like sleep. The AAP does not recommend co-sleeping but for some it’s their only option. Do your own research so that you’re informed and then make a decision based on what you feel is best for you and your baby. We co-sleep sometimes on the nights when my little guy struggles to sleep, but for the most part he’s in his crib.

There’s so much more that I could say, but the truth is that I’m still learning myself. I’m still learning my baby. I’m still trying to figure things out. Being a mom is one of the hardest and most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I love it. It’s stressful, but I love it.

They say not to blink because before you know it, you’ll look and your kid is all grown up. My baby boy turned one month old last Friday. A whole month – and what a month it has been. I don’t even know where to begin in describing what this past month has been like. I do my best to be as transparent as I can with you guys and share the good, bad, and ugly things that happen in my life. Believe me when I say – this first month was ROUGH. Newborn hazing is real y’all. The first month with a newborn plus all the things your body experiences postpartum can be so overwhelming. So, I’m sharing in hopes that someone knows they’re not alone.

I recently shared my birth story; that was its own drama filled debacle. All of that becomes a blur once you get that cute little baby home and hear it cry for the first time. That’s when you realize “oh snap, I actually have a baby and I actually have to take care of it”. That’s how it was for me anyway, and to top it off, I came home from the hospital with a cold so I did not feel well. I don’t think enough people talk about those first few days home alone with a baby. People seem to love telling you how sleep deprived you’ll be, but there’s so much more to it than that. Maybe my experience was so different because I was actually alone. It didn’t hit me how single of a single mom I was until my first night in my home with my son. I usually avoid having expectations of people or with certain scenarios because you’re a lot less likely to be disappointed when you had no expectations to begin with. With my child’s father, I had expectations and when those weren’t met I had a hard time adjusting. I spent the first week of my son’s life alone with him. It was just me, him, and our dog. It was incredibly difficult.

The best piece of advice I got during this past month with my kiddo is to remember that the first month is all about survival. We had a rocky start. He was dehydrated and wasn’t peeing enough which was a complete shock to me because it seemed like I was successful with breastfeeding. His latch was and still is textbook, but I remember a night in our first week where he just would not stop crying. My nipples hurt so bad and I couldn’t understand why he was so fussy. We had survived cluster feeding, and there was no way he was still wanting to cluster feed days later. I broke down and gave him a bottle of formula because I didn’t know what else to do. He was so calm and satisfied after that bottle, and I should have been relieved but instead I just bawled crying. All that time he was hungry and I wasn’t feeding him enough. I felt like a failure. And again, I was alone. Formula supplementation became a norm for us because I needed to hydrate my baby. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but in an effort to determine if he was getting enough my breastfeeding turned into pumping and bottle feeding as well as supplementing. In any case, we survived that too.

Next came sleep. At one month old a baby is too young to be formally sleep trained, but my sister talked me into at least starting a routine so that when it is time to sleep train he’ll be familiar with it. Some nights it goes well. Most nights it does not go well. Again, survival is the key. As long as he’s getting enough sleep, I’m okay. I sleep when I can, but that whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” can seem like total BS in the first month. It feels that way especially when you’re the primary parent. There’s so much that needs to get done in a day, and I don’t have the help that’s afforded to those in a committed relationship and living with their partner. I use Bear’s day time naps to clean my house, do my dishes, wash laundry, give my dog some attention, or just to have a minute where I’m not holding and/or feeding a baby. Every now and then I nap when he naps, but for the most part I don’t. And heaven forbid he decides that he only wants to nap with/on me. If that happens, I have to plan to be out of commission for the next 1.5-2 hours. The worst part of the whole sleep situation is the crib vs co-sleeping debate. It’s has been a major source of anxiety for me throughout this first month. The AAP recommendation is that all babies sleep in their own crib/bassinet/pack & play, flat on their backs with nothing in there with them. They also recommend room sharing until baby is at least 6 months old. Bear does okay in his crib, but his sleep thrives in my bed. He gets way better stretches of nighttime sleep in my bed. Not to mention the fact that I also get longer stretches of sleep. Co-sleeping is so frowned upon and there is such a fear placed in your heart regarding it that it almost makes you think you’re going to kill your baby by putting them in your bed. But it’s strange how it’s like that in America because bed sharing is the norm in almost every other culture around the world. For the most part, Bear sleeps in his crib but I’ve learned not to be too hard on myself if I need to bring him into bed with me in order for both of us to get a good night sleep. When I do, I follow the Safe Sleep 7. It’s something my sister shared with me and it honestly put my heart at ease because it’s what I had been doing all along whenever he was in my bed.

Outside of learning my baby in the first month, I also had to learn my body. I had some postpartum swelling which I was not expecting. I did have headaches after coming home which the anesthesiologist warmed me about, but they were always mild and I’m sure being dehydrated did not help my case. Dealing with all of the postpartum bleeding and discharge was not fun (it’s actually pretty gross). I cried so much over the most minor things. Having been diagnosed with anxiety and adjustment disorder, which is like situational depression, I was already predisposed to postpartum depression and anxiety. Prior to giving birth I increased my anxiety medication at the recommendation of my OB and my therapist in effort to be proactive in treating my anxiety and I’m so glad I did. The medication doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it definitely has helped me to focus enough to use the tools I’ve learned to keep my anxiety to a minimum. With medication and sound advice from my sister and mom, I think I’ve surprised myself in my ability to handle this first month. It has not been easy. I dealt with loneliness during pregnancy, and it’s still something I experience postpartum. I took my baby out at 2 weeks old because I could not stay home anymore by myself with him. I needed to get out. I needed to see and be around other people. For the sake of my mental health, Bear and I go to my parents’ house every week. It gives my parents quality time with him and it gives me the opportunity to get out of the house and be around other adults.

By no means has it been the easiest first month, but it’s still been a great experience. I go back to work in a few weeks and while I’m looking forward to the human interaction work will bring, I’m dreading leaving my little guy all day. For right now, I’m going to keep enjoying the snuggles and the poop and the spit up and the baby yawns that I think are the most adorable thing in the world. For right now, I’m just going to keep trying to survive.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

I’ve been wanting to share my birth story for a while now. My intention was to share it last week, but time got away from me. Nevertheless, here it is:

At my 39 week appointment, the Thursday before I went into labor, I was checked and told that I was only 1 centimeter. I was a little sad, but it was to be expected since I’m a first time mom. I got my membranes swept and let me just say – ouch. I had one strong contraction after that and then nothing else. Again, I was very disappointed.

M had been staying at my house that week in case I went into labor overnight. Saturday night after working in an area closer to his house, he decided to stay there instead of coming back to my house. I was feeling a little uncomfortable on Saturday but nothing to write home about, so I went on with my normal day. Saturday night I was having contractions and they were very noticeable. I did squats and some stretches and some walking around my house and by Sunday morning at 3am I was having regular contractions every 3-5 minutes. I waited about 2.5 hours to see if they went away; I did all the things (change positions, hydrate, etc.). I called my doctor and got the okay to come in, so I drove to the hospital. You drove yourself? Yes, I drove myself. M wasn’t answering his phone and I was getting more and more uncomfortable so I drove myself.

I arrived at the hospital and was put on the monitor. They checked my cervix and told me that I was 3 centimeters. I was told to walk for an hour and see if I made cervical change, so I did. They rechecked me and I was still 3, but I was still contracting regularly. They sent me home. My mom came and picked me up from the hospital and I went back to my parents’ house so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. I continued to labor until about 5ish that evening. My contractions has spaced out by then to about every 5-7 minutes but they were way more intense and starting to last longer. My mom took me back to the hospital, and I did the whole dance again. They checked me again and I was still 3cm. I walked for 40 minutes (even though my note says I walked for an hour – lies!!). They rechecked me and I was still 3cm. This time when I was being given my discharge instructions, I was told that I would only be admitted if I was 6 centimeters or my water was broken. I was instructed to take 1 gram of Tylenol and 25 mg of Benadryl and to try to get some sleep. That was the proposed remedy for my contractions – Tylenol and Benadryl. The contraction pain never fully went away, but I was able to sleep through it.

The next morning (my due date) my contractions were back to being more intense, so I walked around to help ease the discomfort. My mom sometimes goes for a walk in the mornings so I decided to go with her. By the time we came back from the walk I was in pain. I tried the little Tylenol and Benadryl trick again to see if I could get some rest and it did not touch my pain or help me rest. It got to the point where I called my doctors office to see if I should come in again, and they said yes. We go back to the hospital and by that time I couldn’t even tolerate riding in the car while having a contraction. We get to the hospital, get checked in, get put on the monitor, and they checked me…3 centimeters. Again, I was given the option to stay and walk for an hour or leave. I chose walking; my mom walked with me. She made me squat 5-10 times every other lap. It was low key torture. I was not happy with my mom in that moment, but I’m grateful she made me do it. They rechecked me and I was 6 centimeters with a bulging bag. I was so happy that I actually cried.

They admitted me, and the first thing I did was get an epidural. I had wanted to go as long as I could without meds, but I was having the worst back labor. It literally felt like someone was stabbing me in the back and twisting the knife each time. I was terrified of the epidural. I’ve seen probably 1000 epidurals done, but I was still nervous and scared to get one myself. Of course, something happened and my epidural placement was a little off so I was supposed to be looking out for a headache. Despite the placement being questionable, my epidural worked great. I felt no pain afterwards, just pressure. I was started on pitocin, and eventually they broke my water. After 5 hours I was still 6 centimeters. My doctor came in and said that I should have progressed by then (which was true) and that he would give me a few more hours of pitocin before discussing other options. He asked my nurse Brennan – yes, my nurse was a guy – if he thought I needed an IUPC and I very quickly said “I would like an IUPC”. I tried very hard not to nurse myself. I wanted to be treated like a patient, but I also know how to advocate for myself because of my experience as a L&D nurse. I knew that if I was going to get a c-section I wanted it to be because we did all that we could do and exhausted all of my options. My baby’s heart rate was perfectly fine – moderate with accelerations. I just wasn’t progressing. I got the IUPC and we realized that my contractions were essentially nothing. They weren’t strong enough, but because my contractions were so close together my pitocin was never increased.

We were finally able to increase to my pitocin. My nurse changed my position regularly, and it was super helpful. Eventually I starting having what I like to call the “baby shakes”. It’s the point in labor where you just start shaking and shivering. I wasn’t cold, but I could not stop shaking. I was feeling pressure but it didn’t feel any stronger than it been pre-epidural. I was able to feel my contractions again so M (yes, he eventually made it to the hospital) was rubbing my back and shoulders while I was breathing through my contractions again. A little before 1am the day after my due date, the doctor came back in to check me. 10 centimeters, 100% effaced, and 0 station. Me being the nurse that I am and wanting to avoid the 2.5 hour average time that a first time mom spends pushing, I asked my doctor if I could labor down and he said no. He said to try pushing and see how I do. I had already made up in my mind that if I sucked at pushing I was going to labor down; I was not going to push for hours. No freaking way.

I started pushing at 1:02 and had my baby boy at 1:24. I pushed for 22 minutes. It was the coolest, weirdest, grossest, most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. I actually felt his head move down every time I pushed. They put him on my belly and the first thing I said was “oh my gosh he actually is cute”. He didn’t cry. His color looked good. His tone was good. He just wouldn’t cry. So naturally, they took him to the warmer to suction him and then he started crying. It was a very surreal experience and I’m so grateful to God for it. He was and still is perfect.

Things I liked:

• My nurse Brennan. He was absolutely amazing. Very rarely do you see men in labor and delivery but he was awesome. He treated and talked to me like a patient with nursing experience, but still explained everything in simpler terms to M and my mom. He even had a whole conversation with M about passing out and how to prevent it.
• My anesthesiologist. She was great and a very calming presence. She pre-treated me for a headache just in case my epidural placement led to that and I’m glad. I did get a twinge of a headache, but nothing like it could’ve been.
• My mom was able to stay for my delivery. The visitation rules were a little confusing. We were under the impression she had to leave at 9pm but that was only the case for postpartum.
• They gave me time to do skin to skin before taking my little guy to weigh him.
• The food wasn’t bad.

Things I didn’t like:

• Being told that I could only be admitted if my water was broken or I was 6 cm, but hearing them debate admitting another patient who was only 1 cm because she was “truly uncomfortable”. What was I?? Faking it? Just because I’m not bawling crying when I have a contraction doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. And like I said, being seated and contracting hurt 20 times worse than moving around.
• The constant in and out that happens in postpartum – everyone is just doing their job but I feel like the coming and going of different people was never ending.
• Whenever I had a question about my baby I was told “oh it’s normal”. I’m actually super guilty of this as a nurse and I need to do so much better about it. You telling me it’s normal doesn’t tell me what it is or how I go about caring for it. Newborn rash – I had never heard of that. I don’t even remember that in nursing school, but no one explained it to me. They just said it’s normal. If it wasn’t for the pediatrician, I would’ve went to Google for answers.
• I made the mistake of falling asleep with my baby on my chest. 100% in the wrong for that, but the nurse who woke me was super rude about it. And by falling asleep I mean I hung up with my mom at 7 and they came in my room at 7:10 for bedside report. She was rude though. I actually cried afterwards. I felt like I was being scolded for being a bad parent.
• Not being given the opportunity to labor down. Granted – I didn’t need it. But not every woman’s experience is like mine. To be told/asked to push from 0 station as a first time mom is absurd. All of the studies support laboring down as the preferred course of action to help reduce tearing, maternal fatigue, etc. It’s the more natural thing to do, but some doctors are just so impatient. Advocacy is important in times like this. Like I said, if my pushing would have been super crappy I would’ve asked again to labor down.
• Visitation. I know and understand better than anyone why visitation is the way it is and of course we followed the rules. I just remember when my cousin was in labor and my whole family was there and they had a great time. I would’ve liked to have a similar experience just to help pass the time.

All in all, I think this entire experience has given me a completely different perspective of how my patients feel. Pregnancy, labor, and delivery are all something you truly don’t understand until you experience it yourself. I think I’ll see my patients differently when I return to work. I hope to be as good of a nurse to my patients as Brennan was to me. There are some things I wish I would’ve done differently during labor. I really wanted to go for as long as I could before getting an epidural. I think if I would’ve kept moving I could have gone a little longer before getting my epidural and I could’ve handled my contractions better. Another thing I wish I did differently is that I kept my eyes closed the entire time I was pushing. I didn’t see my son come out. I felt it, but I didn’t see it. I didn’t open eyes until he was on my belly and I was stunned. It really is true when they say the entire experience is a blur in the moment. I vividly remember things now, but at the time there was so much going on that I was completely out of it.

At the end of the day it was totally worth it. All the nausea, vomiting, heartburn, sleepless nights, hip and pelvic pain, anxiety, and tears – totally 1000% worth it. Seeing his little dimples when he smiles in his sleep…I’m smitten.