As Told By Ashley

A look at my life

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32

As of yesterday, I’m officially 32 weeks (which puts me at the beginning of month 8 if you’re like M and need to know that). I have about eight weeks left before I get to meet my little guy and that has me feeling all the emotions. There’s so much to do in these next eight weeks and it’s a little overwhelming. I made the last minute decision to turn my spare room into a nursery. Initially I wasn’t going to but after some careful consideration and deciding to stay put in this house a little bit longer, I figure kiddo deserves his own space. I’ll most likely be sharing some pictures of the transformation because I think it’ll be fun. Hopefully my family actually lets me help get things situated; if you were to ask them I can’t do anything 🙄😂. Like the baby shower, his nursery will be teddy bear themed. I’m pretty excited to see how it all turns out. I’m not very decorative, my mom and I are alike in that aspect, but I’m excited to try to turn his room into something.

I will let you guys know how it all turns out. Until next time friends…

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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31

Today makes week 31 of pregnancy and my little guy is moving!!! He has been super active in my belly since he was like 17 weeks and it is the coolest thing. I won’t go on record saying that I have enjoyed being pregnant, but I will say that feeling this little guy move is the coolest thing ever I have ever felt in my entire life. M and I are super excited, but I think I’m a bit more expressive with my excitement than he is. Our baby shower is month away and then a little over a month after that it’ll be baby time.

Nervous is an understatement.

I’m starting to feel all the nesting vibes, so my desire to get this house clean is at an all time high. Last weekend my mom was supposed to come help me clean up (aka clean all the places I’m afraid to clean because I’m afraid of bugs and there’s no telling what I may find 😂), but I had the Rona so that didn’t happen. I’ve been feeling much better these last 3 or 4 days so I’m taking full advantage of that today and attempting to clean the most visible places in my house. If I’m honest, my living room hasn’t looked this clean in months thanks to a pitty named Storm. It’s really nice to see a freshly swiffered wood floor. I don’t know if I spelled that right but who cares.

Sunday is Father’s Day and finding a gift for a father-to-be is really hard you guys. I went on google and Amazon; I read all the lists that Buzzfeed and websites like that put out for Father’s Day. You know what I discovered? Those people are kinda stupid. None of the gift ideas I saw were ideal for my father or my child’s father. In what world would someone want a meat subscription?? Do men really want things like that? I really cannot fathom getting my dad something like that knowing that it would just create more work for my mom because my dad is not cooking! I read one list that was specifically for fathers-to-be and I kid you not, one of the ideas was a baby carrier. What the actual heck??? Why in the world would I ever buy that for my kid’s father. That’s not a Father’s Day gift, that’s more like a baby shower gift. Basically I was left to find my own gift and I did; it just came in today and I’m excited. My sister got my brother-in-law the sweetest gift and I can’t wait for him to see it. The highlight of the Father’s Day gift giving was giving our Dad his gift – a new remote control car. It seems like a really small thing, but if you knew my dad you would understand our excitement to give him his gift which he got a whole week early. Needless to say, I think Father’s Day will be a hit in all of our households and I’m excited for that.

My next OB appointment is this Friday and I’m looking forward to that. Some things left on my to do list: schedule out my next few appointments, pick a pediatrician 😬, pack my hospital bag, pack the kiddo’s diaper bag, clean my house, my car is being detailed this week, and we have to set up our crib. So much to do, so little time. I should go get started. ✌🏽 out friends.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Better is the end of a thing

So, I made the very difficult decision to leave my job. I’ve been doing labor and delivery for almost 4 years now, and I think I’m done. There are many contributing factors to this, but the main reason is the fact that I’m expecting my own kiddo. Up until recently, I’ve prided myself in my ability to compartmentalize a lot of the terrible things we see in nursing – especially in L&D. I must be 100% honest and say that I think my inability to do so lately has more to do with the fact that I’m expecting my own child. I’ve found it to be a lot more difficult to stay objective in certain situations. It’s also a lot harder to handle issues such as fetal demises, especially with the increase that we’ve seen since COVID started.

I took a much needed break from L&D before, but that was mostly due to burnout. I was working on the busiest L& D unit in the state of MD and because I was saving to buy a house, I was working 5-6 days a week. I found myself no longer truly loving what I do. After my break, I decided to take up travel nursing with the intention to travel the country and at least try to experience L&D in different places, hoping that that would rekindle my love for the specialty. But clearly God had other plans. My sister had my nephew whom I fell in love with instantly and I found out I was pregnant, so it only made sense to stay put at my local travel assignment.

Here’s the thing though friends, I get bored very easily. I have learned that about myself over the years. As much as I enjoy working in L&D, I also despise sitting with a labor patient all day long. I’d like to believe that it’s because I came from a very high volume unit where we were cranking out babies like nobody’s business, but I don’t know. I also think I had more opportunity at my home hospital to act and serve in different roles, whereas during my travel assignment I was very limited. I prefer a higher pace with a little bit more action to help me get through the day. There’s also the fact that my travel pay was cut for THIRD time. Although that was not the #1 factor in me choosing to leave, it made the decision a lot easier for me and allowed for me to get out of my contract a lot sooner without hassle.

I have about 10 more weeks until my little guy comes and I’ll be looking for work to do in the meantime. I’ve pretty much decided in my heart that my time in L&D has come to an end for much longer than the 13 week break that I took last year. I recently told a former coworker of mine that IF I decide to return to L&D it would only be to my OG hospital; I can’t really see myself doing it anywhere else. Depending on who you ask, that unit is pure chaos but it’s a chaos that I welcome on a daily. I’ve been on the hunt for other jobs. My intention is to stay within the OB world, but hopefully within a different capacity that doesn’t keep me at the bedside. Of course, my child will be the ultimate determining factor on what kind of job I accept.

I’m incredibly grateful to God that I have the opportunity to enjoy this time off even though I’m technically jobless right now. My last day in L&D was this past Thursday and I have been home everyday since – mostly because some time during my last week of work I contracted C-19. Go figure that after two years of working directly with patients who had it especially during its peak, I would contract it. It has been a rollercoaster weekend of emotions for me. As I stated earlier, part of the reason I left my job was because of the increase in fetal deaths. Not all of them were caused by the virus that we know of, but you can’t help but wonder. So, a lot of thoughts have gone through my head this past weekend. I’ve spent a lot of time doing kick counts and listening to my son’s heartbeat in the midst of feeling like absolute death. I had all the symptoms: fever, chills, muscle aches, headaches, loss of taste and smell, congestion, and a cough. It’s been quite the experience.

My quarantine is officially over and after taking the Paxlovid recommended by the doctors, I feel sooooooooooo much better. I was very hesitant to take that as well seeing as how there’s very little known about its affects on pregnant women, but I was down bad and it was not looking good. I can breathe out of my nose again and all of my other symptoms are essentially gone (except the cough). My kid is thriving and still just as active as ever, so I can’t help but be grateful. I’m going to continue to enjoy this workless week and hopefully I can get back to 100% by the weekend so I can start cleaning this house and officially preparing for baby boy’s arrival. Until next time peeps ✌🏽

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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28

Hello third trimester…

I have been waiting so long for this moment. I’m so incredibly grateful that I made it this far, and it was definitely a long journey. I feel like it took forever to get to this point, but I also feel like I blinked and the moment was here.

At 28 weeks, I can honestly say that my pregnancy was nothing like I expected it to be and it’s continuing to shock me. First trimester I was sick beyond belief. It wasn’t as bad as some women experience, but it wasn’t as chill as some women experience either. My “morning sickness” was morning, noon, and night. I ate chicken noodle soup for a week because it was the only thing I could keep down. Once I was able to eat, I learned that I had to steer clear of sweets, tuna, Five Guys, and all tex-mex foods. I was on meds for nausea/vomiting every 8 hours; sometimes they worked, but most times all they did was take the edge off. I think I mentioned before that I actually felt like I was being punished by God for getting pregnant (Dramatic – I know). I passed my early glucose test, my NIPTS test was normal, and I was able to make it all 13 weeks without finding out what I was having.

My second trimester was a little bit better. I was able to decrease the amount of times I took nausea medicine which went from three times a day to one. I was able to eat more than chicken noodle soup, but still had to avoid most of the same things as in my first trimester. Ice cream, tacos, and quesadillas were added back into my diet (in moderation of course). I developed an intense food crush on the veggie trays from Sams’ Club, peppers (green, yellow, and orange all of which I used to hate), and Thai food. Tums became my best friend thanks to constant heartburn. I was expecting to have that big boost of energy that comes with your second trimester that people talk about all the time. It was determined that that was a lie. I slept the majority of my second trimester – probably because I wasn’t puking all day and night, but there was no such thing as a burst of energy. I started feeling my kiddo move and kick at around 17ish weeks which is completely abnormal for a first pregnancy, but it was cool and this little one has not stopped moving since. I caved and decided to find out what I was having, and M & I couldn’t be more excited to meet our little guy come August.

This entire pregnancy experience has been filled with anxiety for me, as I’m sure it is for any first time mother. For me though, I think there’s some difference because I work in labor and delivery. Ask me how many intrauterine fetal demises I’ve seen since finding out I was pregnant. Ask me how they’ve affected me mentally and emotionally now versus how they affected me when I first started in L&D. The concept of D&Cs and D&Es never crossed my mind, and I think that’s because I worked full time at a Catholic hospital where those types of procedures weren’t performed. Being exposed to them regularly at my latest travel assignment has been more difficult emotionally than I ever imagined. Needless to say, I’m very glad that this assignment is coming to an end.

Making it to my third trimester is a blessing for me considering the amount of anxiety I’ve felt this entire pregnancy. If it was not for my therapist, my child’s father, my sister and parents – I would have driven myself crazy with worry. Of course it wouldn’t be me if one more thing didn’t pop up right here at the end. As I enter into the final leg of my pregnancy, I’m set to be tested for cholestasis. I’m trying not to let my anxiety get the best of me when I’m so close to the finish line, but it’s difficult. The one thing I’ve been learning throughout this entire journey is that there is only so much of this that is in my control; the rest I have to leave to God. Surrender is the word that always comes to mind. There’s a lot happening in these next 12 weeks and even though I think it’ll be a tad chaotic, I’m looking forward to it. Until next time peeps.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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This is 30

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. Never in a million years did I think I would spend it the way I did. I had always wanted to go away for my 30th. I’ve never been on a plane and my last few attempts had been shut down by the C, so I was desperately looking forward to getting away this time around. Plus – it’s 30. That’s a pretty big deal. Needless to say, I spent my 30th birthday in MD surrounded by the people I love. We had a semi-surprise birthday party for one of my great-aunts this past Saturday and there was a decent amount of family that showed up, so even though that wasn’t for me it was nice to spend that time with everyone that was there. On my actual birthday I did my usual pedicure and nail appointment, spent some time with M, and then went to Muse Paintbar for Paint Your Pet night. I painted my dog you guys and it was beyond stressful 😂, but it’s cute.

Per usual whenever I turn a year older, I spend the first few days reflecting on the past and coming with a plan on how to approach the future. What things do I want to accomplish in my 30th year of life? Where do I want to go? What my biggest goal? What do I want to start this year? What would I like to finally end? The list goes on and on. This year is different though. I’m going to be a mom and that’s literally all I can think about. Everything else that I wanted to do/achieve/complete etc. has gone to the back burner in preparation for my little guy’s arrival. Plus this pregnancy alone has taught me that I can make all the plans I want, but ultimately God’s plan is the one that actually matters.

I’m 24 weeks today, meaning I have about 16 weeks left before I’m due and that is really not a lot of time. I’m officially in that stage of nesting and that is what consumes all of my time and energy at this point. It’s exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time, but I’m still enjoying it. I love the kicks and the hiccups and even the jabs to my bladder that sometimes make me feel like I’m gonna pee myself instantly. It’s the coolest thing. I had this idea of making this post about 30 things I’ve learned in the last 30 years but I think I’ll save that for a different day. I’m going to go enjoy my week off.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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21

As of last week, I am officially halfway through my pregnancy. It’s been an interesting and comical journey so far. I think I make my mom and sister laugh on a daily basis between my questions and my experiences. Originally M and I decided that we would wait until our little one was here to find out the gender, but we both gave in. Turns out our little surprise is a BOY 💙. M really wanted a girl and based on the way I have been feeling throughout my pregnancy, I was convinced that he was going to get exactly what he wanted. However, it is a boy and I am beyond thrilled because that’s what I was not-so-secretly hoping for.

Pregnancy so far has been a huge learning curve for me. For as many patients as I’ve cared for in L&D, nothing would have or could have prepared me for this experience. It truly is one of the most individualized experiences ever. I’ve been feeling my little guy move for the past three weeks now which apparently is unusual for a first pregnancy. This little guy is super active though; nothing seems to slow him down. My check ups have all been good so far; he’s healthy and thriving. M finally was able to make it to one of my appointments so he got to see our son up close and personal. It was really funny. Apparently my child has inherited my lack of desire to be the center of attention and chooses each and every time to turn his back to us whenever we need to sono him. He was cooperative for his anatomy scan but it took a lot of coaxing (and belly jiggling) to get the little chunk to participate. All in all, he’s healthy and I could not be more grateful to God.

For someone like me who struggles deeply with anxiety that’s 100% rooted in a lack of control, I can honestly say that being pregnant has been one of the most anxiety provoking situations of my life. I love it; I think it’s amazing to learn each week what my body and baby are doing. But guys let me tell you that if God wanted to me in a situation where I had no choice but to trust in Him – pregnancy is it for me. I have learned in the past 21 weeks that there is literally nothing I can do. Not a moment goes by when I don’t worry about the health of my little guy or wonder if his heart is still beating. I’m so grateful though because it seems as though God always quiets my worries by allowing my little guy to move in a way that I know is him when my anxiety reaches its peak and I’m reassured that my prayers are still heard. Even now as I write this, he is moving all around (probably because we just had a bomb breakfast 😂).

With 19 weeks left to go, I feel like I’m officially in crunch time. I ordered my crib which is probably the biggest purchase I’ve made so far for baby. I buy clothes here and there, but everything else I was told not to buy. I have a really big extended family and we always show up for one another in situations like this and so now I guess it’s my turn. My baby shower date and venue are set; invitations will go out soon. My registry is almost complete. Time is just moving a little too fast. I’ll be sure to keep you guys updated.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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17

I’m a little late with this post, and it’ll be a short one. I’m 17 weeks today and my kiddo is thriving. I had an appointment recently and everything went well. One of the perks of being a L&D nurse is having access to a sonogram machine on a regular basis, so I also got to see my kiddo this past week. It’s amazing how much this little moves around there and I can’t feel a thing unless I’m really really still and even then, I hardly feel anything. I felt my first real movement one day last week and it was very exciting, but I haven’t felt anything since. Ultimately, I’m feeling super grateful to God that I’ve made it this far and I hope everything continues to go well. That’s all I have for now friends. Until next time…

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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16

I haven’t written much of anything in 2022. I took some time off from writing because of how much my life has changed these last couple months. In December of last year, on my dad’s birthday to be exact, I found out that I’m pregnant. What a shock!!! These last two and a half months have been nothing short of shocking. I’ve learned so much in this very short time. I’m good when it comes to all things labor and delivery, but pregnancy itself is a completely different beast and I did not have the best first trimester. I was sick all day everyday and needing to use multiple medication combinations to get through daily life. It was not fun. As of today, I’m 16 weeks and I feel so much better.

I started feeling better about a week ago. I still have moments where I feel a little nauseous, but for the most part I’ve considered those foods or situations triggers for me and I avoid them. The only one I can’t really avoid is driving. Driving/riding long distances makes me extremely nauseous, so I just have to make sure I take my meds about 30 minutes beforehand and I’m usually good to go. I’ve had some typical food aversions and some weird ones. For a while the thought of a taco made me wanna vomit instantly, tuna sucks, and I can’t even crack an egg without wanting to vomit. My family thinks that’s hilarious, but I don’t. Saturday my sister, nephew, and I visited my parents and my mom cooked breakfast and I actually had to leave the room while my mom scrambled the eggs 😂. It was not fun. It seems like my kiddo has finally come around to the taste of sweets, but for a while anything sweet make me sick to my stomach and everything I ate needed to be salty and savory. Trying to figure this kid out has been an adventure to say the least.

Like I said, finding out I was pregnant was very much a shock. If I can be completely honest, I was not excited at all. For a while it seemed as though everyone around me was way more excited than I was. It has take me a while to come around to the reality of all that is happening right now. Thankfully, I’ve had the support of my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, and the rest of my family. They’ve been amazing. My child’s father, who will from here on out be referred to as M, has also been great. It was quite a surprise for him too, but he’s been nothing short of supportive from the beginning. He also was a lot more excited than I was which was surprising to say the least.

We haven’t really been shouting that we’re pregnant from the rooftops; we’ve essentially chosen to tell those who were closest to us. I’ve always been a relatively private person, and that didn’t change when I found out I was pregnant. If anything, I feel like my guard has gone up even more. The more people you tell, the more you open yourself up to peoples’ opinions and their unsolicited advice and I’m just not interested. I opted out of doing a gender reveal because I don’t really see the point; I have no desire to cut into a colored cake or be surprised with blues or pinks coming from somewhere. It’s cute for other people but it’s just not my style. I prefer to be a bit more low key. I’m not even sure I want to have a baby shower which is like taboo in my family.

I do want to get back into the habit of writing and my plan is to update you guys weekly. I also think it’d be nice to have something to look back on as I continue on this journey to motherhood. That sounds so cliche lol. So far baby is healthy and growing and has a nice strong heartbeat. All of his or her limbs are there and measuring normal sizes. He or she seems to have a nose like their father. They also seem a tad dramatic according to my most recent sonogram pictures. Originally I wanted to wait to find out if it’s a boy or girl until the day I deliver, but lately I’ve been getting the itch to know – mostly because I just want to buy things. One of my aunts has already started buying things for a little girl which is what I felt like I was having, but lately I’ve been thinking it’s a boy. My sister also thinks it’s a boy; my mom thinks it’s a girl and my dad wants it to be a boy. M and I are happy either way of course, but it will be very interesting to see who will be right in the end. Anxiously but patiently awaiting August for this little one’s arrival. Until next time friends…

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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Happy new year!!!

I wish you all the absolute best 2022 has to offer. I hope that in this year you guys find the life, love, and happiness that you all desire.

God bless

Xoxo,

Ash, RN

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It’s official

I gave my notice at my OG hospital; I’m officially counting down the days until I’m no longer a staff nurse. I’m hopping on the travel nurse bandwagon, so I’m no longer able to keep up with the competencies and time requirements of my OG unit.

I’m excited, but I’m also really sad. Sending my letter of resignation was actually very difficult for me. I had told my manager when my last day would be, but it took me a couple days to send the actual letter. I was surprised by my own emotions honestly. I didn’t expect to feel sad, but that is truly what I felt.

I think my feelings toward leaving my job are mainly because of the people I’ll be leaving behind. I’ve met some great nurses, some great doctors, and some even greater patients. It’s a place filled with people and rules and protocols that I’ve grown accustomed to. I’m comfortable there, and leaving a place of comfort for the unknown is terrifying. When I first went to per diem status, it was with the mindset of having something to fall back on in case I didn’t like the job I was taking at the time and it’s a good thing I did. I ended up quitting that job after 2 weeks and my OG hospital welcomed me back with open arms and lots of laughs at my attempt to be free.

Making the decision to leave is a big jump for me. I’m a creature of habit. I like comfort and familiarity and knowing what I’m walking in to, even though the only thing I knew I was walking into at my OG hospital was pure craziness. I tell myself often that the job is the same, it’s just the location that is different. It helps that I’ve had a great experience with my first L&D assignment; they made the transition super easy. I’m not sure where my next stop will be on this travel journey, but I know I’ll be going out of state. I’ll most likely stay on the east coast for a while longer before I venture out to some of the other places I’d like to go, but who knows. I’m learning to embrace the idea of going wherever life takes me.

I will definitely keep you guys updated.

Xoxo,

Ash, RN